Fix a Heart
by MorningGlory2
Summary: Seattle Grace with a bit of an interesting, AU twist. Two doctors, two very familiar characters, a whole new take on their relationship. Jack/Kate pairing with Grey's characters
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 "Bandage"

_I don't want to give too much away, but this is my attempt at an AU Grey's Anatomy/LOST crossover. It's a Jack/Kate story, obviously; however you will see several differences from the shows. If you have any thoughts or questions, feel free to ask. This might start slow, but I'm pretty excited about it. This is just the first short chapter, look for more soon if it is received well. _

* * *

Small Ariat boots fell upon the soft dirt floor as lights turned on above. The sweet smell of molasses and hay reached her nose and she signed with content; this was her favorite time of day. Four little feet trotted beside her as excited nickers and whinnies reached her ears, a smile spreading across her face, high-lighting her freckles.

"Good morning, sweet boy," She greeted the large chestnut horse, scratching his forehead. The gelding leaned into her touch, before nudging her with his nose. He knew what time it was. "Ready for breakfast, huh?" She laughed, kissing his cheek before moving off to greet the other horses on her way to the room where their food was kept.

Rationing out their grain into labeled buckets, she thought about her day as the sun rose over the mountains behind her stable. She didn't have much time, she noted, reading her watch, but it would be just enough to feed her animal friends, let them out into their pastures to enjoy the sun, and to get herself dressed and ready for work. Work brought a happy sigh from her lips; she was busy these days. Not that she could complain; it supported her favorite hobby, she thought, glancing around the mahogany-stained feed room, much of the large barn the same deep red, the stalls neatly furnished with glistening steel bars and the state-of-the-art amenities she had installed. She wasn't around nearly as much as she would like, however, even with it on her own property.

Distributing the food to each horse, she lead them out to pasture one by one, enjoying the sun on her face for the brief time she could. Her large collie followed her every which way, happily enjoying her time outside as well, knowing it wouldn't be long before she was confined to the house and fenced-in backyard for the rest of the day and possibly night.

Her cell phone rang as she lead the last horse out, and she shifted the lead into one hand, answering with her other, sliding the sleek smartphone from her jeans pocket.

"Dr. Austen," she answered, multi-tasking as the last and sixth horse was released from his halter, bolting off into the field. She grinned as he kicked up his heels with joy, wishing she had time to do the same.

"Hi, Dr. Austen, it's Pamela," the young voice of her secretary came over the line, and Kate's heart dropped a little. She knew why Pam was calling.

"How is he?"

"Not well. He's had a fever all night, and his pain meds aren't helping. The nurses have been aiding him all night, but the antibiotics seem to have stopped working." Kate knew it was only a matter of time-once pneumonia was involved, it was touch and go.

"Okay. Bump his azithromycin to 45mg, and prescribe 25mcg fentanyl for pain. I'll be there in 30 minutes."

"Dr. Austen, he's only 45 pounds, are you sure—"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'll see you in 30." She was already running to the house, Gracie on her heels. Jackson Mitchell was nine, suffering from leukemia and the unfortunate side effects of a compromised immune system. Her life was these children; helping them was her job, fixing them was her dream. The latter was more difficult than the second, but she tried her hardest no less. Racing around to grab her things, she knew her jeans and boots wouldn't be accepted attire once in the hospital but she had to get there quickly. She pet Gracie's head and checked the clock before locking her door and heading for the large SUV parked in the driveway. Throwing the car into drive, her thoughts were consumed by the small boy and his ailing condition. She understood his pain and curing it was her first battle.

* * *

"Time of death: 07:49am." He was tired, his eyes weary, his hands shaky. He was unsuccessful, but this, fortunately, wasn't the norm. Her injuries had been too severe; her back broken in three places, her spine severed, her illiac artery nicked. She'd lost too much blood, and though they had tried to stop the bleeding and repair what damage they could, it had been too late. Pulling his mask off in defeat, he made his way out of the operating room, in need of a shower after five hours in surgery and over twenty four on his feet.

"Sorry, Dr. Shephard," his resident offered, as he walked past her into the hallway. He greeted her with a nod, walking past her.

"She was too far gone, we did what we could. Good job in there, Dr. Grey," He added. The brunette smiled thankfully, as he made off to tell the family. This was the least favorite part of his job, by far. He prided himself on his skills, his gift, being able to fix people and make them better. His success rate was high; he had a few 'miracles' under his belt. As a neurosurgeon, he was considered extremely talented, his knowledge extensive, his experience unchallenged. Almost. He was always in second place. And the person he was in second place with was another talent to be reckon with.

Telling the family would have broken his heart, had it not been hardened already. Stripping off his scrubs to climb into the shower, he was stopped by a voice calling out to him.

"Are you going home for dinner tonight?"

He sighed heavily. "Are you?"

"I intend to unless something comes up. Mom's alone now. We need to be there for her."

"I'll do the best I can, I have post-op papers I need to fill out," was his curt answer. His brother scoffed.

"Jack, she's lonely. She planned this all week. It'd be nice if you-"

"Derek, I said I'd try." Jack's voice was raised, exhaustion and frustration seeping from his pours. They stared at one another for a long moment before Derek sighed, running a hand through his longer hair.

"All right. I'll let her know." Derek walked out, always the calmer of the two. Jack felt like a caged tiger as he tried to contain his frustration and anger. If their father hadn't died six months ago in Sydney, and Derek hadn't swept in to play hero to their mother while Jack went off in search of their father's body, things would be different. Scrubbing his short hair with what shampoo he needed for the cropped cut, he allowed the steam to seep in, stealing away his stress. Seattle Grace Hospital was most of Jack's stress, resting heavily on his shoulders the fact that Derek had replaced their father, Christian Shephard, after his passing. Jack had been a candidate as well, but with Derek's seniority by three years, and his own talent into neurosurgery, he had won the position. Jack was resentful, the younger child who had always stood under his older brother's shadow.

As Jack dried himself in the dual locker room, his alone time was broken as the door swept open. He was glad his towel was secure around his waist as a young blonde intern, a recent fling, walked in. He eyed the pretty girl as she gathered her things, grinning back at him, her body language screaming to him.

"Hey Jamie," he greeted her, standing at his full over-six-foot height, his broad chest bare with water droplets still dripping from his square chin, down his muscular, expansive abdomen. She stopped her movements and peered up at him, giving him a good view down her scrub top.

"Dr. Shephard," she practically melted under his gaze, and it took another half minute before he had her plastered back up against the shower wall, her legs wrapped around his waist. He found ways to relieve his stress, even if it was just for a few minutes, and with the pretty little thing between him and the tile so happy to do so, how could he say no?

He devoured her as he let the stress of the world wash away under the now hot water pouring down on them.

* * *

_Sooo….thoughts? Obviously this is a brief encounter of what's to come but I have a plan here, and I think it could be really fun to explore Jack and Derek as brothers, with a few other characters from both shows we know and love thrown in. I've worked really hard on developing this Kate and Jack, but I'm always open to suggestions and thoughts._

_Reviews are love!_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 "Damaged"

* * *

_Thank you for the reviews! I'm pretty excited with the potential I think this story has, I'm hoping you all enjoy it! _

_Just to clarify, this takes place two or three years ago in Grey's world, but envision Jack in the first season of LOST…short hair, younger, fit, headstrong…..that's the Jack I'm envisioning here. And Kate, of course, around the same time frame. _

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

_Five years earlier…._

_The door rattled as a fist slammed into it, and though it caused pain, no one would ever know. The anger radiating from the owner of the hand was far too intense to allow the physical pain to even make its way to his brain. Though, he knew somewhere deep down, tomorrow it would hurt. _

"_Dad paid more for that hand than you'd like to admit; maybe you shouldn't abuse it." _

"_He'll have to pay more for your face when I'm done with it." _

"_Really, Jack? We're going that route again? Want to take this outside?" _

"_How about down the the ER? That's where you'll be when we're done anyway, Derek." _

_To the bystanders walking the hospital hallway, they would appear like two roosters, puffing out their chests, preparing for a cock fight. To their father, however, they would appear as spoiled brats; four years apart in age, only two years apart in medical school. One thriving from his father's attention; the other striving for his father's approval. Both gifted in the art of neurosurgery. _

"_Derek, come with me to check on your patient. Jack, don't you have studying to do?" Christian Shephard, Chief of Surgery at St. Sebastian Hospital separated the residents with his imposing body and his arrogant attitude, resting a hand on Derek's back, encouraging him away from his younger son. As Jack stood and watched his father favor his older brother, as he always had, his temper flared again. _

"_Dad, can I talk with you a moment, please?" Jack spoke through gritted teeth. Christian sighed visibly._

"_Derek, I'll meet you at her room." Squeezing his older son's shoulder before he walked away, Christian turned to Jack as Derek retreated. "Something wrong, Jack?"_

"_You embarrassed me."_

_Christian raised his eyebrows incredulously, "Did I?"_

"_You know, it's bad enough that everybody in this hospital thinks the only reason I got this residency is because you're my father. But then you," Jack fought his urge to speak louder, and leaned in closer to his father, the anger evident in his eyes, "you put me in a time-out during my first major procedure, in front of my entire team. Dad, I know you don't believe in me, but I need them to."_

"_Then you need to act like the surgeon you want them to think you are." Sharing a defiant stare for a moment, Christian moved past Jack, following the footsteps of Derek down the hall. Jack took in a shuddering sigh before moving in the opposite direction, his blood boiling. He'd show his father who should believe in him, he knew that. If anyone had what it took to become a world class surgeon, it was Jack Shephard. And he would show his father that._

* * *

"That feels better, huh?" Kate soothed the young child's pain with a cold cloth and strong pain medication, hoping it would help him for a while. The boy nodded, his eyes clouded, sleep setting in, a side effect of the strong prescription. She patted his leg gently before moving into the hallway to notate on his chart what she had done. She was an odd sight, her lab coat over her pale pink tee shirt and her fitted jeans, knee high riding boots completing the outfit. But they knew her well on this floor, they didn't need her high heels and skirts, or her navy scrubs to identify their leading pediatric oncologist. Leaning against the nurses' station, she flipped open the chart, marking her notes for her fellow doctors and nurses, knowing she'd be the one taking care of him for the rest of the day anyway.

With her chocolate waves piled on her head, and her face void of any makeup, she appeared much younger than her twenty nine years, though small circles under eyes tended to give her away. She'd been at Seattle Grace only two years, spending her internship and residency in Boston. The last two years had been her best professionally, and she was now considering working on her Ph.D, since her M.D. was completed. And helping children sick with cancer was her passion.

"Trying to sneak a ride in this morning?" Her colleague, Dr. Arizona Robbins, came around the corner, greeting her friend with a knowing smile. Kate laughed lightly, closing the chart.

"Ehh, I thought about it. It would have been nice." She turned to lean her side again the counter, resting her head in her hand, watching Arizona notate on a few charts.

"Such is the life of a doctor, right?" She grinned at Kate, knowing she didn't have much else besides the horses and Gracie to keep her occupied outside of work.

"Always. I love it though."

"You gonna rock that outfit all day? The kids will be thrilled with your exciting stories of galloping through the mountains, and jumping six foot fences." Kate laughed at her friend, knowing the outfit wasn't appropriate but also knowing the kids loved to hear of adventures of the outside world, as most of them knew only the colored walls of the pediatrics ward.

"Maybe. If it keeps them smiling. Not sure how long I can wear these booties over the bottom of the boots though, it's not exactly flattering." She wiggled her blue-bootied foot out and Arizona giggled back her.

"I'll keep an eye on Jackson if you want to get changed. Sorry they had to call you in this morning, I was in surgery and—"

"Don't be sorry. I'm glad they called. I was worried all night about him. I know he's good in your hands but still," she drifted off and Arizona knew the feeling immediately. It was hard to disengage when they weren't around their biggest responsibilities. The worry always hung in the air.

"Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in. He's a little fighter; you're doing the best you can.." Their conversation was distracted by a pair of young nurses giggling and talking quietly behind the desk, their eyes dancing with laughter, their cheeks flushed.

"What are they laughing at, I wonder," Kate raised an eyebrow, standing up a little straighter, always self-conscious. Arizona rolled her eyes.

"You-know-who got caught in the showers this morning with a certain young intern attached to his hip…literally." Arizona's voice drifted off, disgust on her tongue.

"Who?" Kate asked curiously, unsure of which guy that could be, as most of the doctors in this hospital were male. She didn't keep up with the hospital gossip, she had Arizona for that.

"Dr. Shephard." Arizona spoke quieter, stressing his name. Kate almost dropped the coffee she was sipping.

"Derek?" She practically exclaimed, Arizona quickly working to shush her. She let out a long laugh, her blonde hair dancing on her shoulders.

"No, Jack! Don't you listen to anything I say? He's practically stamped half the nursing staff with his brand." Kate raised an eyebrow at the exaggeration, but was equally sure she hadn't heard that much about Derek's younger brother.

"Half? And yes, I listen to most of what you say, usually when it pertains to the children we care for. Jack Shephard is the least of my concerns. Though he has amazing hands." At the last statement, Arizona raised an eyebrow and Kate spoke quickly to cover up her miss-speaking. "In surgery, Dr. Robbins," she stressed, making sure her friend understood her professional respect, "He's done amazing work on shattered spinal columns and his delicacy around the spinal cord is practically unrivaled." It was Arizona's turn to raise an eyebrow, giving Kate a look of disbelief.

"In surgery? If he'd stop sleeping with the interns, maybe people would notice him for his abilities and not his ability to use every room with a lock in this hospital as a sex lair."

"I think you're being a little unfair. I'm not saying I'd touch him with a ten-foot pole, I'm just giving you my professional opinion. What about Dr. Mark Sloan? The plastic surgeon from LA Derek's wife ran away with? He's just as attractive and has the same reputation around the hospital and he's still received awards and accolades for his accomplishments." Kate couldn't get involved in the reputations that preceded people when their professional work was outstanding. She also didn't know Dr. Jack Shephard well at all, she'd seen him once or twice in a meeting or passing in the cafeteria but she didn't pay him, or anyone, much mind.

"Kate, they're both man-whores. Don't try to deny it." Arizona smirked at her naïve friend as she began off in the direction of their doctor's lounge.

"I'm not denying anything, I'm just stating I can't let my professional opinion be skewed by nurses and their trash talk." Kate followed suit, knowing she needed to change her clothes anyway, but still defending her position.

"Well hopefully you don't have to come in contact with him anyway. Who knows what you'd catch."

"Classy, Robbins. Classy." Kate laughed at her friend; it was banter and chat like this that kept her refreshed while at work. She didn't care the subject, just having Arizona around, someone to confide in and laugh with was most important. "I'm going to change, my stuff's down in the surgical locker room from yesterday. I'll be back in a bit. Page me if Jackson changes."

"Will do. Be careful down there, it's a dirty place."

"Hush," she called back to her friend, rolling her eyes. She checked her blackberry, stepping into the elevator. She was distracted with her email as the doors opened again, someone stepping on. She glanced up out of habit and noticed the man walking to the back of the elevator was wearing a well-fitting navy button-down shirt, a striped tie that matched, his lab coat and perfect khaki slacks completing the handsome outfit. When her eyes reached his face, she had to bite the inside of her lip as to not giggle at Arizona's voice in her head. The subject of their previous conversation caught her eye, giving her a nod. She felt the rumble of a giggle again within her chest, but was surprised by the hardness of his hazel eyes. She felt as though he didn't even see her, but through her. She had a sudden shot of insecurity, stepping back into the corner of the elevator. The laughter in her heart was gone, and they rode the elevator in silence. She noticed his cologne, and couldn't help but think to herself that he smelled of masculine and clean, and wondered to herself when the last time she'd had that thought was. He was taller than she had thought initially, towering over her petite frame. He was the epitome of a successful doctor just by sight.

As the elevator sounded, he walked out, not paying her any mind, making his way down the hallway swiftly with his long gait. Kate exited behind him, at not nearly the same pace, sliding her phone into her lab coat pocket. His distance from her made her curious, as he was supposed to be some hotshot flirt who apparently slept with everyone, but he clearly wasn't interested in making friends with her. She shrugged to herself, making her way down to the locker room, pushing the door open quietly. Gathering her things, she peered toward the showers and laughed again. People having sex in public places always baffled her.

* * *

Jack rounded the corner to his brother's office, catching Derek in the middle of his paperwork. The Chief of Surgery glanced up at his younger sibling, his expression full of annoyance.

"What can I do for your, Jack?" Derek sighed, leaning back in his plush leather chair. He reminded Jack so much of their father, it made his stomach lurch a little. Jack handed the chart to his boss, his own expression one mirroring Derek's.

"You asked for this yesterday. It's the chart of that woman with the spinal surgery from last week—the extradural neoplasm." Derek's eyes lit with interest, as the woman was healing well, no signs of paralysis, her tumor benign. Though Derek had made great strides in medical history himself with his work on brain tumors, his brother was much more experienced in tumors of the spine. And while Jack envied Derek's abilities, Derek found Jack's fascinating. He reached for the folder.

"Thank you! I've been wanting to go over this; I plan to watch your procedure later in the video library. Want to watch it with me? Learning from this surgery is a great advantage to us, having the filming capabilities-" Jack cut his older brother off, shaking his head.

"I performed the surgery, Derek. I don't need to watch it again. Thanks anyway. Enjoy the chart." Jack strode from the office. He didn't care to watch himself on tape, to listen to his brother be critical of him and the methods he used versus the ones he maybe should have. He couldn't deal with the criticism. Not after years of hearing how he would never be good enough. Now he was _good enough_. He was better than _good enough_. As female co-workers eyed him in the hallway, he smiled to himself. He was great. No question. No matter how dead inside he had become from all the years of being second best and trying so hard to be the best, he knew he was great, at least in the sight of other people. And that was the satisfaction he needed to keep going.

* * *

_So we're learning our new characters. How's everyone liking it so far? Both Jack and Kate are deeper souls here, as we will learn. I'm feeling out whether this fic will do well before I invest too much time…please review and tell me your thoughts! Or if you have an idea, PM me. Thank you! _

_Reviews are the best thing you can give a writer ;)_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 "No answers"

_Thank you so much for the reviews! Hope you like this chapter! Remember, these characters are complex, we'll learn more as we go along. _

**Flashback**

_As Kate entered the house, her collie puppy Gracie snuggled in her arms, she should have expected the sight before her. Packed bags sat in the foyer of the large house, standing out against the morning sunlight. Her heart dropped into her stomach. Setting the fluffy puppy down, she didn't bother taking off her dirty boots and halfchaps as she always did, because she did it for him and that no longer mattered. _

_She found him in the kitchen, slipping on his sport coat, sliding his wallet and keys into his pocket. He hesitated when he saw her but then continued with his motions, grabbing his briefcase, zipping it up. She should have seen this coming, but it still hit her like a runaway train. _

"_Rich…" she began, but the words that she formed died on her lips. She had nothing to say, couldn't get the words out. He set his gold wedding band on the counter in front of her._

"_Kate, we can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." The attractive man before her shook his head, his eyes cast downward. She knew he wasn't sorry; the only thing he was sorry about was that he hadn't left sooner. _

_She dropped her head, her heart shattering. "We should have known this wasn't going to work, Katie. I'll have my attorney send the papers. You can keep everything, the house, the stables, all the horses. I'm going to take my car and my things, but the rest is yours." She knew he was leaving her everything because this wasn't his life. It was hers'. She had created it for herself because he always had something else, someone else. She had never been his life. Hence why he was leaving her behind. She held her breath, fighting tears as she nodded. He moved to her, placing his hands on her shoulders. She caught his ice blue eyes and could feel pieces of her heart separate. _

"_Why?" was all she could choke out. He shrugged. She knew he didn't have the answer, neither did she. She had tried so hard for something she had known from the beginning hadn't been meant to be. His cold stare sobered her tears, he wasn't able to even fake emotion-never had been able to, really. _

"_You'll be fine." He kissed her forehead as she shied away from him, and then proceeded for the door. She watched him go-she had no fight left. _

_He paused one last time, glanced around the house they had called their home for only six months, before mumbling a goodbye, not even bothering with a pet on the puppy's head that pranced excitedly at his feet. As the door clicked shut, she sank to the ground where she stood, the feeling of the rug being pulled out from beneath her. Crumbling to her knees, she couldn't help but cry for all her wasted years trying to make something out of nothing. The puppy pawed at her legs, trying to climb upon her lap, and she held it tightly. There was nothing she could do now, her next actions unclear. All she knew to expect was a long, rough day and a heap of divorce papers. _

Two years later

Kate chewed on her pen cap as she stared at the x-rays before her, trying to determine a prognosis for a six year old suffering from a tumor situated on the sensitive nerves of her spinal cord. Kate was a pediatric oncologist, and had seen her fair share of children with cancers, but staring at the picture before her, her mind was blank, her next direction undetermined. This couple had come to her because of her skill and her way with children who were terminally ill or who had poor prognosis because she treated the whole child. She had an uncanny ability to make a sick child smile and laugh despite their difficult situation; she was known her kind eyes and her huge heart. And she often brought Gracie to entertain the children, the calm dog the perfect companion for a child who often couldn't be around other kids.

"Oh my," Kate heard the intake of breath from behind her, turning in the dark room to see fellow colleague and orthopedic specialist, Dr. Calliope Torres. She couldn't bring a smile to her lips as she turned back to the scans. "What's your case?" Callie asked, making her way up beside her friend.

"Six year old girl with an unidentified tumor on her spinal cord between T4 and T7. I'm not quite sure exactly the extent, I'm waiting on PET scans too." Kate continued chewing the cap of the pen, lost in thought.

"You thinking surgery?"

"I have to talk to Dr. Shephard. I think Derek might have a good chance of at least doing a biopsy to better determine our treatment."

"I don't envy your job." Callie spoke honestly, shaking her head at the pictures of the child's malformation.

"It's definitely not always easy." Kate responded, feeling unsure of herself. She sighed, willing the sense of frustration away, to be replaced with determination.

"Have you seen Arizona anywhere? I have been looking everywhere and I just can't seem-"

"Down the hall, 2nd room on the left." Kate answered without taking her eyes off the scans, an idea suddenly forming in her head. She needed to run more tests, but maybe, just maybe-

"How do you do that? You always know where she is." Callie watched the brunette, an eyebrow raised.

"She's my peds surgeon. I'm paid to know where she is." Kate felt hope rise in her chest and bounded off to the nurse's station, in need of a few more tests. Suddenly she knew she was taking a step in the right direction.

* * *

Jack grinned to himself as he washed his hands after a successful surgery, knowing it meant the end to a long day. Emerging into the hallway of the busy hospital, he strode toward the elevator, a family waiting for his word and hot shower calling his name after eight hours in surgery. He loved his job, very much actually, but standing on his feet for so long was tiring.

Dr. Mark Sloan fell into step along his colleague and Jack eyed the fellow surgeon.

"Joe's for a drink when you're done? I'm finished in an hour." Mark was a good wingman, tall and attractive, great at attracting beautiful women. And that was most of Jack's other hobbies, when he wasn't occupied with work. He nodded, thinking about the invitation.

"Probably. I could use a drink." He rolled his tense, large shoulders for effect and Mark grinned.

"I second that. Call me when you're done." Mark split off from Jack down another hallway and Jack continued to the elevator, climbing in and heading up to the ICU waiting room. Checking his blackberry, he was distracted when the doors opened. Striding out quickly, that drink seemingly more tempting by the minute, he didn't see the brown curls before him until he practically ran the petite woman over, everything in her arms falling to the ground, not to mention her losing her own footing. He reached out to grab her, and managed to catch her arm as she slid to the ground.

"Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going and completely didn't see you!" Kate's face flushed with intense embarrassment as she tried to steady herself. Looking up from the hand that held her arm, she could feel her face grow an even deeper shade of red as she stared up into the hazel eyes of the other Dr. Shephard. His handsome face stared down at her and she caught herself staring at his intense features.

He observed her chocolate eyes and speckling of freckles across her soft cheeks, gently releasing her arm and bending to help her as she rapidly tried to gather her things. He laughed casually.

"I'm just as much at fault, I wasn't paying attention either. Are you okay?" He stopped to peer at her, feeling bad he had completely knocked her down on her bottom. She nodded, not looking at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you?"

This made him laugh again, and she could sense it was a self-assured laugh this time.

"There's a much larger chance of me hurting you than the other way around." She glanced up, her brow furrowing for a second before she shrugged.

"Well, just making sure." She stood quickly, wincing at the dull pain in her tailbone from its contact with the hard, tiled floor. He handed her a stack of papers and folder. She gave him a grateful smile, and he was smiling back before he realized it. "Thank you for your help. Sorry, again." He shook his head.

"No worries." They stepped around one another, a soft laugh flowing from her pretty lips and he turned to watch her leave. As he opened his mouth to ask her name, the elevator doors closed, shutting them apart. He stared at the gray, metal doors for a moment, shaking his head to silent laughter, before turning to go. He took one step, nearly falling himself as he stepped on an x-ray and slid. Swearing under his breath, he bent over and retrieved the slightly crinkled scan, peering at it curiously. He figured it was hers, though he wasn't sure. Unable to stop himself, he stepped to the closest dark room to him, placing the film on the illuminator and flipping the switch.

A rush of curiosity and adrenaline filled his veins as he took in the spinal tumor staring back at him.

* * *

"Mark," Jack greeted his friend in the locker room as Mark was sliding his shoes on. Mark looked up, a smile across his handsome face.

"You ready for that drink, Shephard?"

"Actually, I have to pass. I've got something I need to take care of. Hey, do you know who Dr. Austen is?" Jack inquired, having noticed the doctor's name at the top of the x-ray. Mark sat up, thinking for a moment.

"Um, maybe it's that oncologist? I think that's her name…" Mark drifted off, leaning back to catch a glimpse of the film in Jack's hand. "Whatcha got there?"

"Nothing, just a scan." Jack turned, headed for the door to the locker room, his mind settled back into work-mode, the drink forgotten.

"Yeah, she's a pretty, little thing. Why? You coming or what?" called Mark, after his friend.

"Maybe later." He called back, already on his way down the hallway to the nurse's station. He leaned over the counter, smiling sweetly at the blonde nurse before him. "Hi there, Becky," He spoke, eyeing her badge. She blushed, smiling. "Can you page me Dr. Austen, please?"

"Dr. Kate Austen or Dr. Richard Austen?" She asked, picking up the phone. He recognized the later as an orthopedist, and nodded.

"Dr. Kate Austen, please." He gave her a wink as she completed the page. When she hung up the phone, she leaned forward, flashing her pretty blue eyes at him, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Is there something I can help you with, Dr. Shephard?" She offered, standing. He raised his eyebrows and flashed the smile he knew would melt her, and shrugged.

"Becky," he reached his hand out," it's very nice to meet you."

* * *

Kate sighed heavily as her pager went off, asking her down to the emergency room. She wasn't prepared to leave the library, still doing all the research she could on the little girl's tumor. Standing, she gathered the journals splayed before her, hoping whatever they needed her for would be brief.

She thought of the child's agony the whole ride down, the pain she must be in. Instead of running and playing outside, she was suffering from a rapidly growing lump on her back, causing her excruciating pain and the inability to continuing walking. Certain cases, like this one, tore at Kate, personally and professionally. She knew their pain, knew there frustration. All she ever wanted was to cure them, to fix them. She wanted this little girl to go on, living her life, going to high school, college, walking down the aisle to a man she loved. It was what made Kate do what she did. These cases consumed her.

Stepping onto the tiled floor, she looked around for the source of her page. Her eyes landed on the nurse's station, and she made her way toward the older nurse facing her direction.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Austen, I was paged?" Since trauma wasn't a specialty of hers and she wasn't a surgeon, she rarely found herself in the chaos of the ER. The woman looked at her before bellowing,

"Becky, did you page Dr. Austen?" The blonde nurse jumped, and a satisfied smile spread across Jack's face as he saw the pretty doctor he had run into only a little while earlier. Kate noticed him, and found herself standing up a little straighter. He excused himself from his conversation, long, aggressive strides bringing him to stand in front her, all six foot two inches of him towering over her. He extended his hand.

"Dr. Austen, I don't believe we've met," he began. She reached for his hand, fumbling over her words.

"Actually, we-" he kept talking and her eyes widened as he didn't acknowledge her beginning to speak.

"Dr. Jack Shephard, it's a pleasure to meet you." They shook hands and she figured it best she let him talk first, since he clearly had something to say. He handed her the film and her eyes lit up. "I believe this belongs to you."

"Yes, it does. Thank you! But where-" she took the x-ray from him, and allowed him to interrupt her once again.

"You dropped it earlier after we collided. I looked at it, I couldn't help myself." He pulled her gently by her elbow off to an unoccupied exam room, taking the film back and placing on the illuminator. "I'm very interested in this case. I'm assuming you need a neurosurgeon?" Kate was taken back a bit by his forwardness, finding it a bit abrupt. Not to mention he exuded enough testosterone to make sure unsure of herself.

"Well, I definitely need a biopsy but as far as removal, I haven't really-" The child was so young and small, it would be a dangerous procedure to cut into her and remove something so intricately attached to her body. But he didn't let her say those things, his eyes fiery with need.

"Well, why haven't you? Obviously we need to run some tests, and prepare the patient but I think they are definitely a candidate for surgery. Especially if it is localized."

"Dr. Shephard, I mean no disrespect but you don't know all the details, and I'm not even sure you can help me. Though a biopsy is first and foremost. I need to prepare the family for what's ahead and—" She was learning to speak fast in his presence.

"Tell me about the patient then," He demanded, his voice strong, catching her off guard. She teetered back on her heels. "Please," he finished, his voice quieter, appearing to have noticed the force with which he spoke. She waited a beat before beginning to talk, struggling with the man before her and exactly what his deal was. _How does anyone communicate with this guy?_ She wondered, before explaining,

"Stella Grant, age six, suffering from partial paralysis and chronic pain due to an unidentified intramedullary tumor on her thoracic spine, T4-T7. We need a biopsy to determine whether it is benign or malignant and an exact diagnosis, but from what I can tell it hasn't spread." She watched his face, waiting for some declaration of defiance or proclamation of skill, but he remained silent for a long period of time, inspecting the image before him. She silently pulled out a few more pictures, placing them all before him, her initial disdain disappearing as she began to think of his talents and what he could possibly due to remove this tumor and save this child's life. His eyes were concentrated, his jaw set, as he studied the films. A long moment later, he shook his head and her heart dropped.

"I can't help you, Dr. Austen. I'm sorry I wasted your time." Kate's mouth gaped open as she watch him walk to the door.

"Dr. Shephard, I should have been forthcoming with the information. You were right, if you just do the biopsy-" She moved quickly after him, but he didn't stop, nor did he look back. His demeanor had completely changed.

"I said I can't help you." She stopped and watched him walk away from her. Running a hand through her dark curls, she sighed again, more frustrated than before. She could be stubborn, and sure, she had fought his initial interest, but as he stared at the pictures and her brain had filled with so many positives of his work, his skill hardly matched by other neurosurgeons, including his brother and father, she had become hopeful she could help with child. She still could, Derek was an obvious second choice, he had been her first because of Jack's questionable behavior and elusiveness, but she knew if anyone could remove the tumor, it was him. Her shoulders slumped as she walked back in to retrieve her scans. Eyeing her watch, she needed to check the little girl anyway.

* * *

Keeping their brief conversation to herself, she explained the next few weeks to Stella's parents. The biopsy would solidify what they were looking at for a diagnosis and treatment. She explained what each step would entail. She was thorough, and they appreciated her taking the time to explain each detail, but they only wanted their daughter healthy and happy, running around like the six year they had always wanted her to be.

"Then you'll remove the tumor, correct?" Don Grant, her father, added when Kate had finished. She chewed the inside of her lip. She had known the question would arise, but she had planned to try to beat around it until she had a surgeon lined up, and a definite determination of what ailed the small child.

"Mr. Grant, removal is a possibility, but with the size of the tumor and its location, I will need to consult a skilled surgeon. I'll be in contact with a few from Johns Hopkins and St. Jude before I make any decisions. Let's take it one step at a time." Kate reassured the parents calmly.

"What about that spinal surgeon? The one with the plaques downstairs? We read about him in a magazine while we were looking for you…what's his name?"

"Derek Shephard?" Kate crossed her toes under her Dansko clogs, hoping it wasn't his younger brother.

"No, I think it was Jack. Dr. Jack Shephard. He works here and didn't he repair that young woman's crushed back? He's a miracle worker, they said. Can he do it?" Tara Grant chimed in.

Kate frowned, rocking her head to the side. "He's very busy, I'm not sure of his schedule. I'd really like to get someone in pediatrics too, since her spine is so small and fragile." She was telling the truth; she didn't lie to her patients. Problem was, she realized, her patient's mother was right. She stood, needing to end the conversation before they demanded a consult with the doctor before she was ready for such things.

They followed, all shaking hands. "I'll keep you posted on the progress and scheduling of the biopsy. It'll probably be next week if her counts remain stable."

"Please talk to that surgeon. Just in case he can do it." Kate nodded that she would, exiting the room, walking in the opposite direction of the child's room, as the parents headed to visit with their daughter. She could Arizona in the lounge, and plopped herself down on the couch, crossing her arms over her tired eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" Arizona asked through a bite of salad, inspecting her friend and her position of defeat.

"I ran into Jack Shephard today, and he was all 'I'll do surgery on your patient' and then all 'I can't help you' and I was like, seriously?" Kate exclaimed, throwing her hands up. Arizona raised her eyebrows, placing her salad down on the table.

"What? Back up, I missed something. That little girl in room 233? With the spinal tumor?" Kate nodded, covering her face with her hands. "That's, like, his thing. He said no? Why?"

"I have no earthly idea. And then the parents asked for him. Who is this guy? God?" She rubbed her face furiously, before looking back at her pretty friend.

"He's not pure enough," Arizona deadpanned, a chuckle escaping from Kate. "And besides, he's too much of a loose cannon."

"But he's good." Kate defended.

"He's dirty," Arizona corrected, passing a bowl of fruit to her tired friend. "Have some sugar, you're a bit pale."

"Thanks." She munched a piece of pineapple, before continuing. "I'm just frustrated because I bet he could do it. It's what he does! And he said 'no'. 'No I can't help you'. Well, thanks for nothing Dr. Jerk Shephard." Kate huffed as she finished her rant. Arizona laughed at her friend, unsure of where her anger came from regarding the attractive neurosurgeon.

"Why are you letting it bother you so much? Ask Derek. I'm sure he's just as good."

"I guess… but I just don't feel like he's the right pick."

"And Jack is?" She watched Kate eat a strawberry thoughtfully.

"I don't know. He's my best hope in Seattle. I just want this little girl to dance at her senior prom." Kate's compassion left Arizona amazed sometimes. It was shocking for someone in such a field.

"I've got to give it to you, Kate. You're one passionate doctor. I don't know how you do your job and sleep at night."

"You're the second person to say that to me today. Maybe I'm in the wrong business." She shared a look with her friend before they both shook their heads, laughing a little. "Nahh," she both laughed and Kate knew there was always tomorrow for convincing Jack to do the surgery. Nothing said she couldn't try. And if it meant that much to her parents, she would try. What else could she do?

* * *

_Song for this chapter: "When a Heart Breaks" Ben Rector_

_I know this seems short, but were getting to the meat of it and I just wanted to say thank you for reading and thank you for reviewing and favorite-ing this story! I'm trying very heard, and appreciate all your reviews very much. I have most of this story planned out, and there are some great Jate scenes coming up. Don't worry. _

_If you would like to read something or see something happen, please PM me. I'm open to all thoughts and ideas. I'll give you credit. Thanks!_

_PS- I haven't given up on To Keep You, don't worry! _


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 "Run"

Kate allowed the water to run over her hair and down her tired body, hoping the hot liquid would wake her exhausted limbs. She'd had a few trying days, her little patient battling an infection that was putting off the biopsy she didn't even have a surgeon to perform yet. She was discouraged at the way things were proceeding, and she knew the parents were getting frustrated. Rubbing her face clean of any ounce of makeup, she took a deep breath, knowing there was nothing she could do until the infection subsided. They could only keep her comfortable and keep her family at bay until she figured out her next move.

Derek had agreed to see the patient, though he was tied up all week with budget meetings. Kate chewed her lip thoughtfully, wondering how she could possibly get his brother to do the surgery. Jack was who she needed, but she hadn't been able to get a minute with him to discuss the procedure. Their paths didn't cross often, if ever, and with the children occupying so much of her time, she barely had time to look for him. The girl's infection bought her a few days, but they needed to figure out the treatment of the tumor before it was too late.

Turning the water off, she grabbed the towel off the hook, drying off the immediate water droplets, and wrapping the terry cloth fabric around her body. Reaching for her clothes on the bench inside the shower area, she realized she had left her fresh scrub pants in her duffle bag by her locker. She sighed heavily, slight frustration showing through her demeanor, pushing open the stall door. Walking into the main area of the locker room, she stopped short, taking in the strong, bare back before her.

Her breath hitched in her throat, at the thought of being caught in a towel by a man she barely knew, and of the sight of his broad, muscular back, naked for her to see. She thanked a higher power he was wearing pants, for that would have made the moment so much more embarrassing for her. She moved forward, forcing herself to her bag, which was placed only a foot or so in front of him. She felt his eyes on her as she tried to bend her knees to pick up the pants lying right on top, as to not give him a show of what was under her towel. He cleared his throat slightly, and she as she turned, she offered him a shy smile, barely lifting her head.

"Sorry," she mumbled, not making eye contact with the tall doctor, who continued to stand shirtless before her, it clearly not bothering him like it did her. She held up the pants, "I left these in my bag." She mentally slapped herself, knowing he didn't need to know why she was out there in a towel, but she couldn't help herself.

"No worries," Jack offered her a smile, finding her red cheeks cute. He knew he'd been avoiding her on some small level, knowing she would confront him about the little girl's tumor, but in the towel, holding her scrub pants, her hair soaked to her porcelain skin, she caught his eye. As she scooted past him, holding the towel up so tightly her knuckles were white, he couldn't help but scan her small body with his hazel eyes, taking her in. He watched her walk away, though the playful smile on his face faltered slightly.

"Shit," he breathed, and she stopped immediately, afraid of what was to come next. "What the hell happened to your leg?" He asked curiously, with what she could have sworn was a hint of concern. She raised her eyebrow for a moment, before remembering the mishap from the other day. Looking back over her shoulder, she inspected the large bluish purple bruise that grazed the back of her thigh. She shrugged mindlessly with a shake of her head.

"Oh," she drew out, remembering the moment and the pain, "Max kicked me." She saw his eyes widen and he moved toward her immediately, gently, not his rushed or demanding normal movement. He crouched behind her, and though she knew he was simply being a doctor, they were all very capable of what he was doing-examining her wound- it was disconcerting to have this man basically on his knees behind her, his hand softly inspecting what could become a fairly good-sized hematoma. She held her breath as his face was close to her thigh, and was thankful she had slid her panties on before leaving the shower stall, for otherwise he would be very close to parts of her he didn't need to be seeing.

He was surprised by the diameter and swelling with which the bruise had, it had to have been quite a kick. His blood pressure surged at the thought of someone doing such a thing to a woman. He didn't know Dr. Austen well at all, barely knew who she was, but he didn't think, under any circumstances, that she deserved to be kicked.

"You might want to watch this. It may need to be drained. I can prescribe you some levofloxacin to take just in case you need it drained, if you want. When did this happen?" She was sure she sensed concern now, and she felt grateful, though surprised by his softer side.

"Two days ago," She replied, her stomach fluttering at the once again surprising touch of his hands on her thigh as she prodded the swollen area. The flutter was replaced with pain as she visibly and verbally flinched, sucking in her breath. On some levels, most actually, it was awkward to be examined by a doctor one didn't know.

"Yeah, let me write you a prescription and we'll check on it in a few days." He stood swiftly and she held tighter on to the towel as he moved quickly to his lab coat. She turned, unable to find the words to stop him, surprised by his kindness and concern. He scribbled on a prescription pad, handing her the blue piece of paper after tearing it from the pad. "Take this for seven days regardless, and page me in two if I haven't seen you." She took the paper from him, and smiled a little.

"Thank you. I'll get this filled as soon as I can." She held it with the same hand as her pants, and suddenly felt very naked under this intense gaze.

"I'd start taking it today." He advised, finally, to her relief and yet disappointment, sliding a white shirt over his muscular chest. She nodded, grateful for his medical advice and slightly entertained by his sudden responsibility.

"Thank you, Dr. Shephard. I appreciate your help." She gave him one last smile, hoping to turn and finally get dressed, as he spoke up one again. She glanced back at him, hands on his hips, navy scrubs a perfect color against his creamy skin. She willed the thoughts away, focusing on his words.

"If you need anything else, let me know. I'm always around." She wasn't sure how he meant the last words, whether he was giving her a reason to contact him, or if he was truly concerned about what might be causing large bruises on her body. She really did appreciate his help and concern, though she didn't know him much at all. He stared at her for a long moment, after she had nodded her thanks again, before turning and packing up his things. She took the opportunity to head back to the shower stall, slightly in shock of what had happened-she didn't let people touch her like that- and once again, surprised by the man. He was such a character of layers, she thought, finally dressing herself. Sliding her scrubs on, she tied her long hair up in a knot on her head to keep it out of her way, and tucked in her scrub shirt. She slid into her Dansko clogs, before heading out to pack up her things. She looked at the prescription again, and chuckled to herself a little at the unanticipated events.

It was true, her leg did hurt and could get worse, but she knew the odds of it forming into a full on hematoma that needed to be drained were slim. He should know that too, though it was a nasty bruise. She felt more like he might have been looking out after her more than anything. It occurred to her then that she never told him who Max was, having blurted out that he had kicked her. His concern was based off the fact he assumed someone had kicked her. Kate let out a laugh, alone in the locker room, finding the situation slightly humorous. Shaking her head with a laugh, she grabbed her things and her prescription and went off in search of Arizona. Someone needed to hear this story.

* * *

"I'm having mom over for dinner, are you coming?" Jack looked up from his chart to find his older brother stepping in next to him, observing Jack's latest case. He shrugged, notating a few things, before closing the chart and placing it at the foot of the sleeping patient.

"I can't." Was his reply, heading into the hallway. Derek followed him, hands in his lab coat pockets, prepared for this fight.

"Jack, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. I know you blame yourself but punishing her is not-" Jack turned quickly, standing directly before Derek. It wasn't thank he didn't blame himself, oh, he most definitely did. It was more of the fact that he wasn't punishing his mother….he was punishing himself.

"Derek, I said I can't. I have patients. I'm on call tonight. I'm not even going home. Maybe next time." Having the height advantage over his older sibling, Jack made sure to stand above Derek always. It was one of the only advantages he had.

"Fine. I'll tell her. But you may want to consider getting over whatever it is you're dealing with and go see her. She needs you." Derek was always the calmer of the two, the more rational one. He had gotten that from their mother. Jack resembled his father in more ways than one, his difficult personality and demeanor the most obvious.

"She doesn't need me when she has you and Meredith." He began walking away, needing to separate himself from the conversation and his brother as soon as he could. Meredith walked up behind Derek, watching the younger Shephard retreat.

"I'm assuming he's not coming?" Her tone held a knowing clip, a smile playing at her lips.

"He never comes; you should always assume he's not." Derek turned to face her, before they walked the other direction together, headed toward the north elevator.

"What's his problem today?" She inquired, stepping into the elevator beside Derek. She knew Jack only professionally, as they rarely saw each other outside of work. As Derek's girlfriend, she attended more family functions and dinners in a week than Jack could attend in a year. They never really talked; it wasn't her place to give him a hard time. And he wasn't generally very approachable. Derek said he had always been that way, but she found it hard to believe. She knew Derek wasn't perfect either. He had the divorce and the shadows to prove it.

"Same as always. He has patients and he's on call. I write the call sheet, I know when he's on call. He's not. He just switches with people so he doesn't have to go. What he doesn't understand is how much it hurts her." Derek rubbed his forehead, knowing his mother would be absolutely upset. Jack hadn't been by in weeks. But she had made him go to Australia after what happened, and having to bring his father back in a body bag hadn't exactly relieved Jack's chip on his shoulder. He wasn't the only one suffering from their suddenly broken family. But in his mind, he had caused it, and nothing anyone said could change that. They had tried.

"He's kind of an ass," she shrugged, resigned. But Derek looked to her and she stood a little straighter. This was part of why she loved Derek so much.

"Mer, please don't say that. He's my brother." His voice was soft, and he reached and squeezed her hand. She knew he loved Jack, above all; they were siblings. And though Derek could get frustrated and yell, and crack down on his little brother, no one else could, no matter how right they were. He reserved that right, and no one else. And she admired him for that. Since Jack rarely deserved to be stood up for. She gave him a smile of apology and he nodded, continuing on their way to gather their things and head to Margo's for dinner.

* * *

Kate placed the script in front of Arizona and Callie, who were chatting at the pediatrics nurses' station. They read the script and looked up at her, her face red with laughter and embarrassment.

"I can get him to write me a prescription for an anti-biotic I didn't even ask for, but I can't get him to help save a patient's life. He's beyond me." Kate sat down across from them in an office chair, her tone exasperated.

"Why is he writing you scripts?" Callie raised an eyebrow suspiciously, and Kate shot back a dubious look. Her friends knew how self-sufficient and unapproachable she was. Just because he got around, doesn't mean they should assume he had gotten to her. There was no denying he was attractive but that was as far as it went for her. She needed his talent, not his body.

"Max kicked me the other day and left a huge bruise. It's progressively gotten worse, but I don't think it'll turn into anything. Regardless, Dr. Shephard saw me today in the locker room and said I should take the levequin incase it becomes a hematoma." She rubbed her pretty face with one hand.

"He saw the one on your thigh?" Arizona replied back in surprise, and Kate suddenly regretted sharing her embarrassing story with the couple before her. Clearly, they weren't getting the point.

"I was in a towel, Dr. Robbins," Kate stressed, "and besides, the point is, Stella needs him as her surgeon and I don't." She stood, watching the women contemplate their responses, there eyes wide with surprise, and laughter filling them up. "If you think of anything, let me know. I've got patients to see and horses to check on," she grabbed the blue paper off the counter, "and a prescription to fill," she strode off, knowing she was on her own to figure this one out. She'd convince him, she had to. Stella didn't have much time.

* * *

Thank you all so much for your reviews and for reading! You will meet Stella in the next chapter, and we'll start to figure out Jack's issues. Any guesses? If there is anything you think should happen next, please let me know. This is a new kind of story to me and I could really use reader input.

Thanks again for reading! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"It should be any day now. Her counts are back up, we're just waiting for the surgeon's schedule to free up. The tumor hasn't grown so we're still okay on time. I'll keep you updated." Kate gave Stella's parents a smile, before stepping from her patient's room. She picked up her coffee off the counter and took a sip, collapsing into an office chair. She winced a little, shifting.

"Have you made your follow up appointment yet?" Arizona quipped from behind her. Kate rolled her eyes, sipping the hot liquid.

"It's just a bruise, Arizona. I'm fine. And no, I haven't." Arizona raised her eyebrows. It had been three days, and though she knew Kate was fine, she had indeed seen the bruise, she had watched her take the antibiotic religiously, just as prescribed by Jack, and that make her laugh a little. On the inside only, Kate didn't take well to being teased.

"How's Stella?" She changed the subject to stay on Kate's good graces. She was surprised by her sigh. She rubbed her face with her free hand, slouching a bit in the chair.

"I need a surgeon. I need the biopsy. She needs treatment. She's not well and if I wait much longer…" Kate knew the severity of Stella's possible diagnosis, and the longer the tumor lay attached to her spinal cord, the larger the possibility she could be paralyzed for life.

"You should just talk to Derek, he'll be able to help you. Maybe he'll just do it himself."

"I don't want Derek. I want his brother." Kate pulled the elastic from her hair and shook out her curls before pulling her hair back up neatly in a bun on her head.

"Go talk to Derek," Arizona pushed, pulling her friend to stand. "I'm telling you, he schedules all surgeries. He'll have someone to do it for you, and maybe it'll be all you've hoped for." Arizona winked at her friend after pushing her out of the nurses' station.

"Okay," Kate drew out exasperated. Arizona laughed at her friend and watched her shuffle away down the hallway in her scrubs and lab coat.

The last thing Kate wanted to do was to make Derek schedule Jack without Jack's agreement to do the surgery. But with every step she took toward the elevator, she weighed the pros and cons of either possible scenario. Stella needed surgery. She had other patients, sure, that needed her attention, however Stella was her priority at this moment, the most urgent of them all.

The large glass windows across the catwalk made her heart race slightly. She had never really gone to the Chief of Surgery for anything in particular, she wasn't a surgeon. She had done general surgery in her rounds, but dealing with tumor removal and biopsies was not something she had felt comfortable with, and therefore focused more on the treating of her young patients and allowed the surgeons to do their job.

She knocked on the door a few times, waiting until she was garnered entry into the well-lit office. She opened the door, stepping in gingerly. If Kate was anything, timid she was for sure.

"Dr. Shephard, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything," she began. He lifted his head with a friendly grin from his paperwork.

"Dr. Austin, right?" He peered at her badge as she nodded. He gestured with his pen at the large leather chairs in front of his desk, "Please have a seat. What can I do for you?"

"Thank you, Dr. Shephard," she quickly sat, her hands twisting in her lap. "I'm coming to you because I have a patient who needs a biopsy done on her unidentified intramedullary tumor on her thoracic spine. I'm wondering if you might be available, knowing your specialty." She kept eye contact the whole time, her nerve endings alive with anxiety, as she watched Derek break away and look over his surgery schedule for the week. She took a moment to glance around the tastefully decorated office, diplomas and certificates along the walls, pictures of the late Dr. Christian Shephard with his son adorned a small shelf off to the side. He had also been a very talented and sought after surgeon, but nothing compared to his sons, especially Jack.

"I don't have anything this week, I have a craniotomy and a tumor extraction, and I have meetings on Thursday and Friday. However, my brother, Dr. Jack Shephard, is free on Thursday so I'll schedule him in and let him know. Does 0700 work?"

Kate nodded vigorously, "Yes, sir, that's perfect. Thank you for your help. I very much appreciate it." He flashed her a kind smile.

"You're welcome, Dr. Austin. Have a great evening."

Kate exited the office, and found herself feeling more success in this case than she had felt in weeks. Stella was making progress, and with the biopsy, they could further her treatment and perhaps remove the tumor itself. She was thrilled Jack was performing the surgery, because she knew he was precise and concentrated, and would be the best for the job. And hopefully, after the biopsy, he would agree to remove the whole tumor. One could hope, she thought to herself. Checking her watch, she figured she'd take another hour to finish up and check her patients one more time before heading out, a much needed break after being on call for two straight nights, having spent the latter at the hospital.

* * *

Kate stopped by the cafeteria to grab a cup of tea to keep her occupied on her ride home. Undoing her hair as she walked, she was so lost in thought about how great she felt about the biopsy, she didn't realize it when he brushed past her.

"Dr. Austen," Jack greeted, his face breaking into grin. She stopped and turned, smiling shyly up at him.

"Dr. Shephard, hi. Sorry, I didn't see you there," she began, turning to face him completely. He was in black suit trousers and a maroon shirt, a five o'clock shadow across his handsome face. She noticed his hair was a bit shorter than it had been for their last meeting, and he seemed slightly more relaxed, at ease. She took in his masculinity and found herself caught up in his hazel eyes.

"You were lost in thought, apparently," he laughed, one hand sliding into his pocket, the other wrapped around a Styrofoam cup. "How's your bruise?" Jack inquired, taking a sip of his coffee. Her hair fell in unruly waves onto her shoulders, her eyes tired but sparkling. She was a sight in her navy scrubs, her lab coat fitting her just right. He could tell she was disengaged, done for the day. He noticed for the first time the freckles that splayed across her cheeks, dancing across her small nose, and found her prettier than he remembered.

"It's better, thank you," she replied, fidgeting with the hair elastic in her hand. She didn't know why he caused her to be so nervous, but it had been years since a man directly spoke to her in the tone he used, not to mention how his reputation preceded him. He was a walking sex god, according to several of the nurses at Seattle Grace, and that made him difficult to hold eye contact with. Who knew what he was thinking in his devilishly handsome head. She shook her head slightly, wishing the insecure thoughts away. "I took the antibiotic though, as prescribed," she spoke honestly. He laughed again, and she knew she was melting like a hormonal teenager.

"Good girl. At least there's no need to drain. If it flares up again, or you have any trouble, you let me know." His words were kind, his eyes bearing into her own, and she questioned why he was being so nice to her. She'd seen him cuss his brother out, and pick up girls at Joe's, he didn't really come off like a compassionate person. But the way he was looking at her…

She didn't seem like the kind of girl who would be abused, he thought to himself as she agreed to let him know if she needed anything. She seemed to keep to herself, but she wasn't overly meek as he would expect a woman in that situation to be. He was about to ask her if she needed an escort to her car, trying to be the gentleman he knew he was capable of being, when Mark strut around the corner, a happy grin on his attractive face.

"Shephard, there you are." He greeted his friend with a slap on the shoulder, and suddenly Kate grew unsure. She knew Dr. Sloan, everyone knew the renowned plastic surgeon. He was a very handsome, very talented physician and also a very large playboy, making him and Jack very good friends. She caught the older man's blue eyes, and he gave her a large smile, before extending his hand.

"Dr. Austen, I don't believe we've met. Dr. Mark Sloan," she took his large hand, shaking it as firmly as she could to better assert herself.

"Kate Austen, nice to meet you," She replied, trying to think of a way of escape. He locked his ocean eyes with her chocolate ones, grinning ear to ear.

"Pleasure's all mine," he replied before Jack cleared his throat, raising his eyebrows at his friend. She smiled quickly before taking the opportunity to run.

"I've got to get going. Thanks again, Dr. Shephard. Nice meeting you formally, Dr. Sloan." With a small wave, she excused herself, heading for the coffee bar for the tea she had intended on getting.

"Bye," both men spoke after she'd already quickly walked off. Mark licked his lips, peering after her.

"Thank you for what?" he inquired playfully. Jack shot him a look as the two men turned to leave the cafeteria.

"She had a medical issue, is all," he stated, not wanting to share any private information with his friend, keeping her privacy. Whatever had caused the bruise, whoever Max was was her business, and he had no right to divulge that information. Mark raised an eyebrow, however.

"Medical issue? That's what you're calling it now?" Mark glanced back over his shoulder, as the brunette brushed her hair behind her ear, dipping the tea bag lightly in the hot water, unknowing of the doctor watching her.

"Mark, let her be." Jack chided, laughing to himself at his friend's always lustful behavior. He'd recently split from his girlfriend, a fellow doctor at a neighboring hospital, and had been on the prowl ever since. He'd had fleeting interest in Derek's girlfriend's sister, Dr. Lexie Grey, but Derek had threatened his life over touching her, and Mark had tried to keep himself occupied in other ways.

"I'm just saying, if you're not banging her, then she's free game, right?" Jack shrugged at Mark's persistence, knowing his friend wouldn't lay off until she herself told him no.

"She might be someone else's, you never know." Jack pressed the down button on the elevator and waited for the doors to open.

"Ehh, you can tell, she's unattached." Mark smirked, and Jack shook his head with a laugh.

"You're out of control." Jack stated, stepping into the elevator. Mark followed, laughing out loud.

"I learned from the best."

"I rest my case." Jack laughed again as the doors shut. The men had been friends most of their lives, and in moments like this, it showed.

* * *

Thursday felt like the best day of Kate's life as she walked on the pediatrics floor with a new found spring in her step. She'd been cautious about breaking the news to Stella's family about the biopsy, afraid it might fall through or that Stella would grow weak again, and they'd have to cancel. But as Thursday had dawned sunny and warm, an almost rarity for Seattle, she knew today was the day. A biopsy didn't cure the small child, but it was in the right direction, and that was what she needed. What they needed.

She'd spent the last two days preparing, prepping the little girl for her first surgery. She was a bundle of nerves, but she stayed calm on the outside for the little one. Today they would determine what the tumor was, and what their next course of action would be. She'd mulled it over and over, all the possible outcomes, and all the possible treatments, having not slept much in the last 48 hours, up in the wee hours of the morning, pacing the cement aisle of her stable, her sleepy horses watching curiously, Gracie laying silently to the side, her collie eyes warm and trustful on her owner. Kate knew moments like this were few and far between, the moments of success. Pediatrics was hard, she and Arizona shared that conversation often. But on days like today, it seemed easy. And so worth it.

Kate bundled the small six year old in her arms, sitting in the rocking chair by her bed, her smile contagious.

"Don't be scared, okay?" She soothed the small child, who grinned nervously up at her doctor. Kate brushed a strand of blond hair from Stella's forehead, careful of her oxygen tube.

"After this you can fix me right?" Stella's small voice of hope brought a few tears to Kate's eyes. She couldn't make any promised, but she was very hopeful.

"After this, we will know what medicine will make you feel better," Kate encouraged, knowing she couldn't lie to the girl. Stella smiled back up at her, anxious to feel better, to play soccer with her friends again. Kate had already promised Stella a ride on her palomino mare, Bella, when this was all done. Stella like her because they shared common syllables in their names, and Kate was glad she could give her that distraction.

The two laughed for a few moments, as Kate eased the child's fears about the procedure. Her parents waited in the waiting room for their surgeon, they wanted to talk to him about what to expect. Kate could only tell them so much, as he was doing the surgery. She had other patients to tend to while he was in the OR with her, and she needed to know she could trust him with such a precious cargo. She had yet to speak with him about the surgery, he had been no where to be found on the surgical floor that morning when she had went in search of him before heading to Stella's room. He was a surgeon, spinal surgeries was his specialty. She knew he'd be there.

* * *

"Derek!"

Meredith and Derek looked up from the chart they'd been conversating about, and Derek immediately recognized the furious anger in his brother's tone. He lifted his head in the direction from which it came, and Meredith could see the fire breathing dragon that lay below the surface of the younger brother's eyes.

"Jack, can you keep your voice—" Derek began, but Jack never heard a word he said.

"I told that woman I wasn't doing her biopsy. You of all people should know I'm not fucking doing it!" He slammed his hand down on the counter, and Meredith jumped slightly at the sound it made. "I'm not doing it, Derek."

"Jack, don't you think it's time we took a step in the right direction? It's been three years. You need to do this for yourself, and for that child. I don't have time today, I have a meeting in twenty minutes, and she needs the surgery-" Derek scoffed as Jack interrupted again, his eyes wild.

"I'm not fucking doing it." His voice was low this time, threatening, and as he stormed off, Meredith watched with wide eyes.

"I need to page Dr. Austen," Derek reached for the phone, knowing where her brother was headed. "She deserves a warning." Meredith nodded in agreement, knowing that Derek's younger half was a force to be reckon with.

"Why'd you schedule him if you knew he'd react this way?" She inquired curiously, when he hung up the phone. He shrugged, reaching for the chart, checking his watch, his concern dissipating.

"He needs to get over what happened. I've had enough of this pity party he's been throwing himself. He needs to grow up." Always the rational one, she rubbed her hand lightly across his with a grin.

"He doesn't deserve you as a brother," she complimented with a sweet smile toward her lover. He grinned back.

"No, I suppose not. But I've done my share of terrible things in the past-we're certainly all not perfect. He'll find his way." Derek always seemed to let his brother's shenanigans slide off his shoulders, Meredith observed. He was the older, quieter, wiser protector. He beat himself up over his own demons in private, but never took them out on Jack. And she admired that very much. Especially since Jack rarely treated Derek with an ounce of respect.

* * *

Arizona could see him coming, his navy scrubs standing out against the sea of light blue and pink pediatrics scrubs. It was a busy morning on the floor, and she knew he was doing Kate's patient's biopsy. However, the closer he got to the blonde doctor, she realized he was not happy. In fact, she would have put him in a category of extremely angry. His face was red, his brow furrowed deeply. He was at Stella's room before she could warm Kate, his long stride getting him there much faster than she could have without running. But she stood fast at the nurse's station, where she had a clear view of him and the room.

He stopped at the door, the sight of the young girl bringing him back years in his past. Kate didn't notice him at first, she was chatting away with the blonde child, showing her pictures of her horses on her phone. Jack seethed from the door way, unable to step through the threshold. He watched her laugh with the little girl he knew he was supposed to do the biopsy on, but he couldn't bring himself to break their moment. He was stunned and stalled.

Kate felt eyes on her, lifting her head, catching the familiar pair of hazel ones. She began to smile to greet him, before she realized that his were not friendly, and he was not happy. The look on his face was one of pure rage, and her heart began to race. If he made a scene on this floor, in front of this child, or any of them for that matter, they would have a serious problem. These children came first. She dared him with her eyes to enter the room, but he stayed put, watching her rock the child.

"Can I speak with you Dr. Austen?" His voice was strained, but he kept his volume quiet, his hands on his hips in dominance. She nodded slowly, talking cheerfully to Stella the entire time, lifting her back into her bed, covering her with a blanket and handing her the stuffed bear she loved so much. She promised the little girl she'd be right back, heading for the door, and the hurricane that stood right outside it.

She caught Arizona's eyes as she followed Jack out of the room, down the hallway. Arizona mouthed, "what's going on?" at her friend, who responded with a puzzled shrug. Stepping outside the double doors to the unit, Arizona tried her best to see through the glass windows.

"I told you," Jack began tersly, "that I was _not _performing this surgery. What part of that did you not understand?" She back up a little, his eyes frighteningly dark.

"I didn't make him schedule you, I simply asked for someone to do the biopsy." She replied, crossing her arms in her defense.

"Well, let's be clear. This isn't happening today, or ever. At least not by me." His voice was loud, and Kate could see Stella's parents looking in her direction from a ways down the hall in the waiting room.

"What is your problem?" The words left Kate's mouth before she could think, her tone unforgiving. "That little girl needs your talent to save her life, what makes you think you're above giving her that? You took an oath, Dr. Shephard."

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to, Dr. Austen. I'm not doing your biopsy, end of story." He turned to leave, but she wasn't finished. Enraged, she shared her own fury with him.

"You're a coward, Dr. Shephard. A big, freaking coward. And for someone of your stature in this profession, and in this hospital, you're a fraud." The last word came out much nastier than Kate had originally intended, but she was so upset at him destroying her happy day for selfish reasons, she couldn't stop the words from escaping. She didn't quite expect him to turn so sharply at her, she stumbled backward to prevent him from knocking her over.

"You have _no_ earthly idea what I have been through. Do _not_ call me a fraud. I'm anything but." His words were violently quiet, and he left her with them, storming off down the hallway. Kate choked back her tears of frustration as Arizona burst through the large doors.

"What did he say? What happened? Are you all right?" Her friend cupped her shoulders as Kate tried to keep herself from bursting in to tears.

"He refused to do the surgery." She rubbed her head, taking a deep breath.

"Why?" Arizona couldn't believe her ears. Who had the nerve?

"I have no idea. He just refused. What am I going to tell her parents? I'm going to have to call someone in, or reschedule for when Derek's available. Arizona, I'm running out of time." Arizona brushed a few strands of Kate's dark hair from her face, soothing her friend.

"He's such an ass. Derek will do it, you know he will. Jack doesn't deserve to help you do anything good. Derek's a better fit. Go back to him and tell him. It'll be okay," she tried to reassure Kate, who's spirit was clearly broken. She knew her friend had to now tell Stella and her parents they had to push off the biopsy again, and for that she was sorry. Kate worked too hard to deal with this kind of letdown. She felt for her friend. It wasn't fair.

* * *

**I'm a huge slexie fan, I'm sure you'll see Lexie again in this story soon. Sorry I'm slow at updating, work is always so insane. Management is hard in that way. I hope for another update soon. Thank you to emerson123 and forevererica for all of their help with ideas for this fic! You both have been amazing wealths of knowledge and I so appreciate it. Expect a good Jack/Kate scene in the next chapter, I'm very excited about it. And maybe we'll learn the reason why he's such a douche. lol It'll be worth the wait ;) **

**Please read and review. I hope you're enjoying this fic so far. Thank you for all the reviews I've gotten so far. I appreciate each and every one of you.  
**

**XOXO  
**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 "Nyla"

Jack sipped on his whiskey, staring off into the dead space before him. The bar was crowded but he barely heard a sound of it, lost in his own mind.

He'd left the hospital that morning before, after yelling at Dr. Austen, furious with the whole the situation and with himself. He had a hard time coming to terms with anything anymore, and causing such a scene, hurting someone he barely knew…he couldn't control himself anymore. He was stuck in this downward spiral of despair. And no one, not his brother, his mother, or even Mark could save him from his own self-destruction.

Mark rested a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Hey, buddy, you all right?" He knew his friend had been sitting at Joe's for quite sometime; washing away his world with a bottle of whiskey wasn't a rare occurrence in the life of Jack Shephard.

After a sip, Jack nodded, never turning to his best friend of over twenty years. He remained silent for a long moment, as Mark ordered himself a scotch and took a seat beside his lost mate.

"I heard about the surgery," Mark began, his voice quiet, without his normal bite of fun. Jack spun his rocks glass on the bar slowly, staring into the dark liquid. "Maybe if you told her, she'd understand. Or maybe this is your chance to move on…"

"I miss her." Jack broke his silence and Mark glanced at the disheveled man beside him. He checked his watch, surprised at the slur in Jack's voice.

"Of course you do, but we both know this isn't what she would want. Neither of them. How long are you going to keep doing this to yourself?" Mark was gentle, encouraging. It'd been a long road for Jack, and he was still caught up in the dark, the tunnel barreling on in front of him, no light in sight. His eyes shone in the dim light and Mark wondered whether it was tears or an alcohol induced glaze.

Jack took the rest of the whiskey in one, quick sip, moving the glass forward again in the unspoken request for another. Mark watched the motion, very familiar with his friend's action. Joe respectfully refilled the world-class surgeon's glass, exchanging glances with Mark.

"You should apologize to Dr. Austen. She means no harm." Jack pounded the whiskey at the sound of her name, and Mark knew it was mostly out of guilt. Jack wasn't a bad guy, far from it in reality. It was a quiet, rarely spoken of reality but it indeed existed, if not only between Mark, Jack, Derek, and Jack's mother.

Joe poured him another, again eyeing Mark to make sure he would be caring for the drunken man. Mark nodded his consent for the next beverage; already aware he would be driving his friend home. This wasn't the first time.

"You're right, I should tell her I'm sorry," his expression resigned, his voice quite, Mark raised an eyebrow, turning to peer at Jack.

"First thing Monday morning, you can tell her you didn't mean to cuss her out." A laugh appeared in Mark's words, and he didn't regret it. Jack could be an asshole these days, and when he'd heard from Derek of his little brother's antics, he couldn't help but chuckle at the ridiculous temper Jack had.

"No, tonight. I need to apologize to her now." He finished his whiskey, and signaled Joe for his tab. Mark's brow furrowed.

"Jack, it's ten o'clock on a Friday. She went home hours ago. I think Monday is best." He knew his friend felt guilty about a lot of things, and carried a lot of baggage, but Mark didn't think this was the best way for him to tell the young female doctor he was sorry. A drunk apology didn't exactly replace a sober one.

"Call Callie, she'll know where she lives." Jack signed his tab, paying for Mark's drink too, before standing, his legs wobbly, his balance unsteady. Mark stood, steadying Jack by his elbow.

"Jack," Mark began to warn, but when the broken man turned to his older friend, he couldn't bring himself to turn him down again. Jack was fun when he was good, but when he was bad….disaster didn't even cover it. "All right. Let's go..."

* * *

"I know, Callie, I know. It's late and I don't know her, but please just tell me where she lives before I drive around Seattle like an idiot until he passes out," Mark begged the brunette on the other end of his blackberry. Jack sat quietly in the passenger seat, going over his apology he presumed, or half brain dead from the amount of alcohol he had consumed. He'd had two bottles of water so far, at Mark's insistence, but he remained silent, and still appeared just as drunk.

"Mark, you really need to stop being his enabler. Hasn't his behavior gone on long enough? Derek needs to suspend him until he gets his act together." Callie sipped a glass of wine as she peered at her girlfriend preparing them dinner, and knew Arizona didn't approve of Mark's antics for his friend.

"Can we have the 'coming to Jesus' conversation later please? Text me her address so I can get this over with. Thank you, Torres!" He hung up the phone with a huff, annoyed at the whole situation, but understanding Jack's position. He'd probably regret this in the morning anyway, and Mark would have to deal with his anger but he didn't care. Dealing with his drunk wrath was worse. And with the head Jack was in…his phone beeped with a message, and he was weirdly thrilled to see the address of the pediatric oncologist in this inbox. Pasting it into his GPS, he allowed the technology to guide him out of Seattle, onto the interstate, in the direction of farmland and fields.

* * *

Kate set down her glass of wine on a neighboring stall, picking up a couple hay flakes and tossing them to one of her horses. She continued down the aisle with the wheelbarrow, stopping every so often to toss flakes to the whinnying animals that filled her beloved barn.

Soft country music played over the speakers that ranged from one end of the barn to the other, and she hummed along as she went about her late night chores, checking water buckets and freshening bedding as she sipped her red wine occasionally. Friday nights served her well in this way.

Often she had a staff who did these things for her, but each week she'd pick a couple nights to do the chores herself, striving to get home by six o'clock to feed them dinner, and maybe even get in a ride before dark. Not on call this weekend, she was excited for Friday night's chores, and to be around all day Saturday. She had fences to mend, horses to work, and some grass that needed tending to. She was a doctor first and foremost, but a country girl at heart.

She'd ridden horses her whole life, competing for most of her youth and into college. She rode on the equestrian team, at Dartmouth College, attending medical school there as well. She graduated a year early, her studies taking priority over her riding. Her Irish Sport Horse stallion, Jameson, had been with her since her freshmen year, competing with her the whole way, until she'd retired him at 16. She rode him occasionally now, but only for joy rides; they didn't jump anymore.

A swift kick at the stall door before her tore her from her thoughts, and she shook her head, the large chestnut horse barring his teeth at her through the bars of his stall.

"Max, quit," she laughed, unlocking the door and pressuring the gelding gently back into his stall when he tried to run out. One of her problem babies, the one who had left the mark that Dr. Shephard had treated, he was a gorgeous mix of spit and vinegar, but amazing in the show ring. A beast of a horse at 17.2 hands, the liver chestnut was one of her hardest to handle.

A car door slamming caused Kate to jump, and she stilled for a moment in the stall, waiting for Gracie's bark, which came soon after. The collie filled the barn with her fairly non-imposing barking, and Kate cautiously exited the stall, latching it behind her, before picking up the object she carried often as her protective device, still, after two years, uneasy leaving alone. The baseball bat was never far from her reach in the late night hours, living in the woods had its downside. She could see the lights of a car, what she could make out as a Mercedes emblem, and a man stumbling toward her. The driver's side door opened, but she couldn't make out faces until he was finally entering the barn. She recognized his face immediately, but the bat, and her collie, stayed firmly at her side. Her eyebrows shot up in confusion.

"Dr. Shephard?" She questioned curiously, peering at the handsome, and obviously drunk man, making his way to her. She noticed Dr. Sloan in the background, who lifted his arms in what seemed to be an apologetic shrug.

"Dr. Austen, I'm-" Jack stumbled into her, and she dropped the bat, catching him by the shoulders.

"Here, sit" she directed him to a hay bale off to her right, guiding him to it and pushing him down gently. His eyes were red-rimmed, his face pale. Mark stood back, not wanting to intrude anymore than they already had.

"Dr. Austen, I need you to know how sorry I am for the way I yelled at you." His hazel eyes caught hers and she was surprised by the pain she found there. The fire from yesterday was gone, replaced with suffering and dullness. She didn't know if it was alcohol induced, but it was shocking to see inside the confident surgeon who had yelled at her with such fury 36 hours ago. She nodded her head at him, standing before him, her hands on her hips. "I'm serious, I needed to come here and tell you I'm sorry because I didn't mean to take it out on you."

"Take what out on me? Your arrogant attitude or your rage?" She crossed her arms, never taking her eyes off of him, unable to remain platonic, her anger bubbling up from their encounter earlier that day. Mark leaned against a stall at the front of the barn, watching the exchange. Jack rubbed a hand across his head, squeezing his temples, a headache inevitably coming into play.

"Neither of those. Some things have happened, and sometimes I have a really hard time keeping my temper, and in your case, with that poor little girl and her condition," tears welled up in his eyes and Kate literally wanted to roll hers with disgust that he would actually cry over her case, "I can't do that surgery, Dr. Austen. I'm unable, and I'm sorry I told you so rudely yesterday."

"If you came here to reiterate the fact that you're not doing it, I got the picture the first time, Dr. Shephard. You can take yourself back in town. I don't need to here it again." She turned to Mark as his pager went off, the older man reaching into his pocket, pulling the device out.

"I've got to head back to the hospital, Derek needs a plastics consult. Jack, come on. Dr. Austen, I'm sorry we-" He began toward Jack, who shook his head, waving Mark off.

"Kate, please, if you'd just listen you'd understand." Mark stopped before his friend, reaching to help him up.

"Jack, I've got to get back, let's go," he encouraged Jack gently, but the younger man pushed him away, standing, finding balance in her thick mahogany walls.

"Mark, I'm not going until she hears me out." He pushed Mark, who lifted his hands up in defeat. Kate sighed heavily, understanding Mark's urgency.

"Dr. Sloan, go ahead. I'll take care of him and get him home as soon as I'm done here." She offered the handsome man a smile, though a small one.

"I hate to leave him with you. I can hog-tie and drag him if you're unsure…" Mark gestured toward a lead line on the wall behind her and she managed a laugh, the vision amusing.

"It'll be fine. Besides, he obviously has something he needs to say. Don't worry, get back to Seattle Grace." Jack dropped back to the hay bale, his head resting in his hands, and Mark nodded and headed back to the car. As Mark pulled out of her drive, she stared down at the drunk surgeon before her and questioned how she had ended up babysitting a grown man.

"Let me finish feeding these horses, and then we'll talk over a cup of tea, okay? Don't move, got it?" He nodded, his eyes honest and she quickly went about finished her chores, Jack staying put on the hay bale, his head in his hands for the 30 silent minutes it took her to be done.

She jostled him gently, pushing his shoulder, and he startled awake, staring up at her. His eyes watery, his face tired, he appeared older than he was to her, and she had a sudden pinge of compassion. She wasn't a mean person, or even one who held grudges. She was mad at the man before her for breaking Stella's heart, and for ruining the steps forward they had taken in her case. She didn't know anything about him other than his medical abilities and whatever gossip found its way to her. Whatever caused a man to drink this heavily had to be something terrible, she considered.

"Come on, let's get you some water," She helped him up by the elbow, and caught him again as he stumbled, lifting his right arm around her petite shoulders, his sport coat warming the skin her tank top didn't cover.

"Thank you," he mumbled, trying to not allow too much of his weight to come down on her small frame. He cursed himself for getting so drunk, and for having Mark even bring him here, but he was unable to say these things out loud, out of his drunk mind, knowing he had insisted on the drive to her house.

Gracie trotted around them, eyeing the stranger dutifully. Kate didn't have men over, ever, and Gracie was unsure of visitors, especially men. She remained quiet though, running in the house first as Kate opened the door to her humble home.

"Sit here, I'll be right back with some water for you," She settled him down on her couch, and made her way to the kitchen, pouring him a glass of water, and contemplating their next move. She allowed him to sit in her living room for a few moments while she made herself a cup of decaf tea.

Jack took in the living room area, the soft neutral colors, the warm browns, blues, and crème colors that covered her place. Pictures danced across the walls, several of which displayed her and horses, jumping over fences, or simply standing with ribbons on the bridle. Her diplomas were grouped together on a side table, a picture of her at her graduation between them. She had great style, he decided in his hazy mind. And she was prettier each time he saw her, her face clear of makeup tonight, flannel pajama pants adorning her lower half, a white tank top bearing her freckle covered shoulders. She entered the living room after a few minutes, handing him a large glass of water with what appeared to be a seltzer medication within it.

"Drink that, you'll feel better," she encouraged him, settling down in a big leather chair, cross legged, weirdly relaxed for being across from someone she barely knew. He smiled a little in thanks and took a sip, the liquid feeling good against this chapped throat. "You had something you wanted to tell me," she began, eyeing him curiously. He nodded slowly, the smile fading, his eyes bringing back that heavy pain she'd seen before.

"Nyla was two when she was diagnosed. She'd had trouble walking and crawling and Sarah and I weren't sure what would cause this in a child who was bright and happy, never in pain. She almost never cried. She was the best baby," as Jack began his story, Kate tried to maintain her calm demeanor, but inside she became increasingly horrified. It all immediately made sense. "As a neurosurgeon, I should have seen it coming, I should have suspected it. But it didn't cross my mind until it was too late, and glaringly obvious." He took a sip of his drink before he continued; he could feel his anxiety closing his throat. "Derek and I read study and study, my father talked to several specialists across the country. A biopsy reveled the truth of the matter, a Meningioma on her thoratic spine, T-4 through T-7. Surgery was immediately required to remove the tumor. My father flew to Los Angeles to perform the surgery. She was three," Jack could feel the tears prickling his eyes, and he rubbed them furiously to prevent them from falling. "I held..her little body, I kissed her and told her she'd be fine." He lost his voice for a moment, dropping his head, the emotion, the pain so real for him he could barely breathe. Kate moved to his side instinctively, leaving her mug on the coffee table.

"He nicked her posterior spinal artery," he continued, a small sob rising in his throat. Kate knew the story couldn't have a happy ending, or he wouldn't be sitting on her couch crying, refusing to save a little girl who reminded him of his daughter. "She went into cardiac arrest, but they weren't able to save her. She died after 9 hours of surgery. The next time I held her, she was dead." He dropped his head into his hands, unable to stop the tears, Kate rubbed his back, unable to find any words to express understanding or sympathy to the poor man. It all made sense now why he wouldn't do the surgery, why he couldn't do it. He'd lost his daughter, forever, an invaluable thing to lose.

"Sarah and I were never able to come back from it. We both blamed my father, who drank himself to death in Australia earlier this year. It was over between Sarah and I last year. It's been three years since Nyla's been gone." Kate handed him a tissue, feeling foolish that was all she had to offer the broken man. He looked up at her, and for the first time, felt like they were on an even playing field. His eyes held no judgment, no anger, were wide and open, and honest. "I'm sorry, Kate," he sniffled, holding his eye contact with her so deeply she felt he could see inside her soul and all her thoughts, "I just….I can't do it. I can't operate on children. I pick up the scalpel and it's always her beneath it and I just can't…do it." He dropped his head in defeat and the sight broke her heart.

Without thinking, she embraced him, pulling him to her, wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders, her hand rubbing his back. He held her back, burying his head in her soft hair, the contact comforting to both of them. Kate hadn't been in the arms of a man since her ex husband, and Jack hadn't allowed a woman to hold him in comfort since Sarah.

They stayed that way for a long time, Kate wasn't sure how long she had stroked the back of his head, but his breathing shallowed out and became normal before he finally pulled back gently. His large handed rested on her bare arm and he shook his head, his cheeks red with embarrassment.

"You look exhausted," Kate began quietly, her voice gentle, "I have two guest rooms, why don't you stay and I'll drive you home in the morning? It's thirty minutes back to downtown and it's almost 2am…" truthfully, she felt after that story, and after seeing the shape he was in, she felt that each of them could use the comfort of knowing someone else was in the house with the other. "I'm off tomorrow, so unless you need to get back to the hospital early, I'll show you the room and you can sleep off your terrible evening and start fresh tomorrow." She stood smoothly, and he followed, standing at all his over six feet height, and Kate suddenly felt a rush as she stood in front of him. Because in all of his trauma and grief, he was still one _beautiful_ disaster. His slacks fit just at his hips, the baby blue dress shirt was unbuttoned a few at the top, his tie lost somewhere between his drinking escapades and their meeting in the barn, his sport coat settling nicely against his broad shoulders. He still smelled of his designer cologne and she briefly had a tranced moment of him whisking her in his arms. She stepped back though, eagerly separating them and picking up her empty mug, as they carried their glasses into the kitchen, him following her like a dutiful puppy.

"Are you sure? I know it's late, but I don't mean to impose. I really didn't come here for anymore than to tell you I was sorry." His voice was gravelly but smooth, no longer slurred or full of emotion. He had sobered up at some point, and Kate was glad for that. She shook her head, standing upright after placing the glasses in the dishwasher.

"I'm sure," she gave him a smile and he could feel himself offering her a watery smile back. She had taken him in, comforted him, and offered him a place to sleep, after he all he had done. She didn't owe him anything. But yet, she stood there smiling sweetly at him, and he was lost in her pretty features. He shoved his hands in his pockets, still embarrassed, but comfortable nonetheless.

"Thank you, Dr. Austen," he replied honestly, and she laughed for the first time since he'd arrived. He raised an eyebrow as she walked back past him, and he followed her up the stairs of the large house.

"You're staying in the home, I'm pretty sure you can call me Kate at this point," She giggled, slowing her motion up the stairs so he didn't have a straight view of her rear end as she walked before him. He laughed with her, shrugging.

"I suppose this is true. Call me Jack then, no more Dr. Shephard." He replied, following her down the carpeted hallway to a far bedroom. She opened the door, and flipped on the light to the large guest bedroom.

"Fair enough," she grinned, "There's a full bathroom over there, with extra toiletries too if you want to brush your teeth or take a shower," she removed the decorative pillows and stuff animals from the blue comforter and he raised an eyebrow. "My niece used to stay with us sometimes, she's six, and she liked to sleep with Mr. Bunny," she held up the stuffed white rabbit, and he nodded knowingly.

"Well, if I get lonely, you should make sure he's within arm's reach," he joked with her, removing his sport coat and laying it neatly across the arm of a wooden rocking chair in one of the corners. Kate set the rabbit on the side table, and made a point to keep her eyes away from his broad chest that fit so well under his dress shirt. "Thank you again, Kate, for everything." He smiled at her again, and she felt her knees go weak. She had to get out of the room as fast as she could or she'd find herself in the queen size bed with him.

"You're welcome. We can talk more tomorrow if you want," She replied kindly, returning his smile. He nodded his appreciation and she moved to the door, pulling it closed behind her. "Good night, let me know if you need anything."

"I will, thank you. Good night," as she shut the door, he found himself shaking his head at the situations he got himself into. The bed did look comfortable, and a shower did sound tempting as he removed his clothes. He turned on the water and climbed into the steamy shower, feeling a little lighter about everything, having confessed some of his demons to her.

* * *

As she sat on her king size bed, she couldn't believe he, neurosurgeon God, Jack Shephard, was down the hall from her, in her shower. She was having trouble getting a hold of herself as she climbed under the covers, Gracie making herself cozy on her bed next to Kate's. She wondered what tomorrow would bring as she turned off the lamp next to her bed. She felt somber after hearing his story, and understood his motives now. Losing a child…she couldn't imagine the parental pain he must be going through, losing his own father and his wife not too long after. He was alone, and lost and bitter for it.

But there was still a little girl who needed his help, and Kate was determined to make it happen, or she would at least try. Just like she was trying to get the imaginary image of him naked in her guest bedroom out of her thoughts…unsuccessfully.

* * *

Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. Thanks to emerson123 again for helping me! I'm really beginning to love this story and I hope you are as well.

Please read and review…reviews are love :)

And next chapter should be good…just saying :):)


	7. AUTHOR'S NOTE!

Hello everyone!

First, thank you all SO SO SO much for all the reviews of this fic! I'm so glad you all are enjoying it!

I wanted to post this and let everyone know I have not abandoned this story. I got engaged two weeks ago and life has been so busy wedding planning and celebrating ever since. I do apologize though for neglecting this story. I have not given up though, and the next chapter is half way done. I do intend to finish this story in the next six months, and To Keep You as well. Please bear with me though, as things have been really busy and updating is difficult.

I appreciate each and every one of you and your reviews. They mean so much. Thank you for reading and enjoying this story and for your understanding at this time. Look for an update in the near future.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Jack rolled over at the smell of coffee, the sun shining through white curtains. Unsure and confused, he pulled his arm from over his eyes and took in his surroundings. It took a moment for him to remember where he was, and how he had gotten there, and when he locked eyes with the brown orbs of Mr. Bunny, the memories, and the embarrassment, came flooding back. He covered his face with his hands, groaning quietly. Glancing to his right, he caught the clock and noticed it was nine o'clock in the morning. He didn't sleep late often, and he noticed how well rested he felt. That didn't overcome the feeling of regret and disdain for how he'd ended up in her home though. He could be an asshole sometimes, and he owed Kate and Mark an apology.

Sitting up, he stretched his arms out and rubbed his hands through his short hair, waking up slowly. If he were at home, he might have rolled back over and slept another hour. But he pulled himself from the bed, peaking out the window. He was surprised at the expanse of her land, green pastures spread out over quite a few acres, a red barn sitting back across from the house. It was quiet and serene, and he wondered how far from downtown Seattle they really were.

As he stepped away from the window, the silence was broken by a loud yell. He turned back to catch Kate yanking on the chain of a large rearing horse. "Max!" She exclaimed, pulling the animal down, all four feet back on the ground. He bucked his back feet up and she pulled the lead again, trying to contain his antics. Seeing her in jean shorts, and hearing the horse's name, he suddenly felt sheepish for thinking a man was beating her. He laughed to himself, shaking his head. Though still concerned for her safety, he watched her guide the large horse into a pasture of close proximity, and as she unhooked his lead, the horse kicked up his heels, gallivanting across the pasture. She shook her head, and he was impressed with her ability to handle such an animal. Not ever having had pets, let alone farm animals, he was unfamiliar with any such handling.

As she disappeared back into the barn, he thought about his getaway, moving back to the bathroom for a quick shower.

Kate opened the door to her large house, slowly entering, aware she had an unexpected visitor somewhere within. Not sure if he was awake, she didn't want to wake him if he wasn't; clearly he needed his sleep. Turning on some soft music, she bathed in the sunlight that entered her kitchen from the long row of windows, and she stretched her arms wide, before pouring herself a cup of coffee. All the horses grazed in their respective pastures, and she took in the view from her porch door, standing on her right leg, her left foot resting against her knee. Her old ripped college sweatshirt rested off her right shoulder, the white tank top strap peaking its way through the neck gap. Hair piled on her head, she sipped the delicious caramel-colored beverage, and enjoyed the quiet morning air that settled in her home.

Her mind wandered to the night before, she kept replaying it over and over in her mind. He was clearly still devastated about what had happened; she understood that, she was in some ways too. The difference between their situations was immense, but his coping skills were lacking. And that worried her. Arizona was right, he was a loose cannon. Unpredictable. But damn talented. And attractive, she thought ruefully.

She had slept more than well, not used to having someone else in the house anymore, and knowing there was a man down the hall, she felt safer than she had in a long time. She barely knew him, but she knew, at the end of the day, he was probably a good man with a good heart, just confused and lost, and mourning the loss of a wife, father, and daughter. That's enough to destroy the strongest of people, she decided.

Staring off into grassy, green space, she was unsuspecting of the man watching her from the doorway to the kitchen.

She looked relaxed, he decided. And thoughtful. And much prettier than he remembered, yet again. He couldn't see her face, but all the way from her rebellious curls, down the over-sized sweatshirt, to the jean cut-offs and her slim, toned legs, and pedicured toes, she was quite a vision. He found himself staring for a moment, taking her in. Standing in a shower of sunlight, she was a refreshing sight. She was a good girl; she had welcomed his drunk ass into her home, listened to him cry, and put him to bed. On a certain level he was glad he had apologized, there was no need to treat her badly. She hadn't actually done anything wrong-she just wanted to save a little girl's life. And though he respected that, he couldn't help her do it. It wasn't in his journey.

Clearing his throat to not scare her, she turned quickly, catching his soft eyes, which carried a remorseful look. A sheepish grin covered his face, and she couldn't help but soften her gaze and grant him a smile in return.

"Good morning," she spoke softly, moving back around the large middle island. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" She greeted, pulling a brown mug down from the top shelf. He tore his eyes away from the skin that showed on her side as she reached for the cup.

"Sure," his voice was unsure, as he set his suit coat down on the island, leaning his tall frame against it. "That'd be nice. Thank you," he finished. She flashed him another smile and he felt worse than before. He was such a jerk.

She handed him the mug, and noticed his still wet hair, and how he smelled of the soap from the shower upstairs. Tingles ran down her spine, and she wished the thoughts away. Apparently, she would have to work harder to be immune to his good looks. "You're welcome. I can't survive without it."

"Me either. Never can say no to an offer for a cup of coffee." He chuckled a little and she felt her shoulders relax as he sipped on his beverage. She chewed her lip, the awkward silence carrying on. They avoided each other's gazes, and Kate felt the need to offer more. Breakfast, maybe. That would be less awkward, she decided.

"Did you sleep all right?" She wondered, as she pulled out a pan and the egg carton. She wasn't the best cook, never really had been a good house wife. Maybe that contributed to their demise, she wondered silently. But she couldn't make an egg sunny side up, or scrambled. He couldn't complain about that, right?

"Yeah, the bed was very comfortable. And Mr. Bunny definitely kept me company." He watched her pull out the makings of breakfast and started to feel anxiety bubble up in his chest. She was going to feed him now? How nice could she be? Even the girls he often went home with, or took home for that matter, weren't even that nice, and they usually got better things from him prior to the breakfast hour. He stepped forward, intercepting the carton of milk from her. "Please, let me. After what I did, you deserve someone making you breakfast, not the other way around." She stared up at him, realizing again how tall and handsome he was, and she suddenly felt very small, and vulnerable, letting go of the milk.

"Umm..okay. Thanks," she spoke slowly, watching the world class surgeon begin effortlessly whipping together breakfast. He cracked eggs into the pan, and began baking bacon in the oven, as she settled herself fairly far away from him on the barstool at the end of the island. "Let me know if you need any help," she offered, sipping her coffee. She wished she could text Arizona a picture of the scene before her, but knew it would cause more harm than good, and a lot of explaining would need to be done.

Since Kate's divorce, she hadn't dated. 'Wouldn't' would be a better word. It's not like men didn't show vague interest, but she never allowed it to go very far. She wasn't interested. She'd been with Rich forever, he was the only man she'd ever been with, romantically and sexually. They'd been married before she was an intern. He was a few years older than her, a very successful attorney with a large firm in downtown Seattle. They weren't from Seattle, had moved there for a job offer for him. She had always followed him, done everything he had asked and wanted of her, with no thanks to come back around. She knew he'd been with other women; he had traveled often. She was a romantic at heard, but her trust in men ranked somewhere around zero. She'd been married to him for eight years, since she was twenty one. At thirty one, she was convinced that she didn't need to share her life with anyone other than the children she cared for and the horses she raised. Always longing for a child herself, she knew it would be almost impossible. And she accepted that.

It has taken her a long time to suppress the emotional wounds Rich had caused.

Jack appreciated the fact that she was allowing him to cook, thankful for the activity so they didn't have to make conversation. He'd said enough the night before. He just hoped she didn't push him again about the surgery. The thoughts of Nyla tugged at his heart, and he bit his lip to prevent any emotion, focusing back on the task at hand. She interrupted his thoughts, to which he was also thankful. Sometimes silence wasn't his friend as much as he wished.

"Where'd you learn to cook so well?" she asked curiously, knowing she probably would have burnt the eggs under the pressure of his gaze. She watched him shrug, not bothering to look back at her.

"Growing up, I spent a lot of time at home with my mother. I'm more domestic than I probably should be, and be calling myself a man," he laughed slightly, shaking his head. "It was just Derek and I growing up, so my mother made do with what she had to create a daughter." He plated her eggs and bacon, sliding it before her. "If you ever need a hole sewed or a suit ironed, I'm the guy for the job." She giggled a little at his self-deprecating laugh, and spoke a word of thanks for the food.

"Good to know. I happen to have not had that opportunity growing up,. My sewing skills are not up to par. Either are my cooking ones for that matter." They were each so wounded by their past, it was becoming more obvious.

"Well, thank God, I offered to cook then," he winked at her, settling down a chair away with his own plate. "You sure do keep a clean house, though," he eyed the expansive kitchen, and noticed how shiny and clean everything was. She shrugged her small shoulders, chewing thoughtfully.

"I think you're mistaking lack of use for cleanliness. I eat take out more often than not. You're lucky I even had eggs." She giggled again, and he found the sound quite pleasant. For two lonely souls sharing breakfast, it could be worse. He might actually have found himself enjoying her company.

They fell into an actually comfortable silence while they ate, and Kate found herself entertained by the events of the last twenty four hours. As they finished their food, she cleared their plates and offered to drive him back to the hospital.

"I'm actually off today as well but my car is there, and I suppose I could round on a few patients. If you don't mind, I'd appreciate the ride." He knew he could call Mark, it would eliminate the awkward car ride back to town, but she didn't seem phased by the offer, so he figured it would be harmless.

"No, I don't mind at all. Let me get my purse and my keys." He watched her leave the dishes in the sink and move to gather her things from the other room. Picking up his jacket and his phone, he checked his messages again, reading one more from Mark asking if he had survived the night. Jack clicked the message away without responding, flashing Kate a grin as she re-entered the room.

"Ready?" She inquired, slipping her stylish sunglasses on as they approached her front door. He nodded, following her. As she reached for the handle on the large door, He grabbed her elbow gently, stopping her motion. She turned back to face him, unsure, her eyes wide with surprise under the dark glasses. His face was kind, so different from the day before when he had been so angry with her, and even from the drunken despair he had carried last night. Such a kind, small smile adorned his face, and he did his best to keep his eyes locked on hers under her glasses, looking off to the side briefly, before catching them again.

"Kate….thank you," he began, and she waited for him to continue, unsure of what to say, "you didn't have to listen to me or let me stay here, and I appreciate your understanding. Thank you for what you did. And again, I'm sorry." His voice was gentle, soft, and she found herself getting lost in his hazel eyes. With that gaze, and those lips, and the way his scruff covered his handsome face. She swallowed hard and offered a tight smile and a slight shake of her head.

"Anytime," was her quiet response, as she turned from him, making her way out the front door. His brow furrowed, her response much colder than he would have anticipated ten minutes ago. He followed her out to her large SUV, wondering if her had just created an uncomfortable ride for himself.

* * *

The silent ride ended at his vintage Ford Bronco, as she parked her car beside his. She slid off her sunglasses, and rested her elbow on the steering wheel, running the hand over her unruly hair.

"Jack…" she started, surprised how his name came out without her even thinking about it. She barely knew this man, he was still Dr. Shephard, not Jack. Especially knowing what she was about to say. "Dr. Shephard," she began again, watching his expression turn uneasy. "I understand why you won't do the surgery, I do. And I am so, so deeply sorry for your loss," he could feel the 'but' coming on, and he grew more agitated by the second, "but don't you think you might reconsider? She's just a child and she has no other options. Do you want her to end up like your daughter?" The words escaped her mouth before she could rein them in and think about them, and as she witnessed the man she had known yesterday come over the exterior of the man she'd met this morning, she wished she could have taken them back.

"Dr. Austen, I thought I made myself clear last night. I am no good to you in this situation. I cannot do it. And therefore, I will not put her in any more danger than she already is. Can't you understand that?" He was pleading with her, keeping his voice in check, his anger held in.

"I know you can do it, I know you can! And how else are you going to move past this? Please, Dr. Shephard."

"No, Kate. The answer is no. And please, don't ask me again." He opened the door, and she tried to find words for him to understand.

"What can I do to change your mind?" She spoke frantically, her eyes wide, pleading, begging him. He felt bad, honestly, something in his human heart caught at the look on her face, but there was that cold, broken part of him that would not take a scalpel to a small being and risk causing more harm than good.

"Nothing. Derek will do it. I'll make sure. Thank you again for the ride." His voice was cold as he exited the vehicle. She covered her face with her hands, frustrated and angry with him for being so insensitive to such a situation. All she needed was his help. And he just didn't get that. How could someone so talented be such a brute about performing a surgery that would get them such recognition and save such a little girl's life? Kate was desperate and knew if Derek didn't do the surgery, she would have to come up with something else. Someone else. And she knew right where to find her.

* * *

"And look what the cat dragged in!" The announcement caused Jack to groan, and he knew he was in for the ribbing of his life. "Hey buddy!" Mark slapped his friend on the back as he walked up to the nurse's station. Jack finished signing off on the chart he was looking at, and closed it, glancing at his friend wryly.

"Mark." He greeted, as a statement more than anything. Mark raised an eyebrow.

"When did you get home, sir? Or is that soap I smell? And are you still wearing the same shirt from last night? Why, yes you are. You sly dog, you!" Mark laughed at Jack, who rolled his eyes and gave a mocking grin.

"I slept in the spare bedroom. With a stuffed rabbit. That's it." Mark raised an eyebrow at the comment, and followed Jack as he walked away.

"Nothing happened?" He asked again. Jack chuckled, shaking his head and sliding his hands in his trouser pockets.

"No, nothing. I was drunk, and she was kind enough to let me stay and sleep off the alcohol. That's it."

"I bet she's cute in the morning, huh? Those curls all wild, that sleepy look in her pretty eyes. You don't have to elaborate, I can imagine it." Jack shook his head, annoyed with his dear friend.

"I wouldn't know. I'm telling you. Nothing to write home about."

"That's unfortunate. So she's fair game?" Jack huffed. Of course. Mark only thought with his penis.

"Good luck." Jack chided before splitting off from Mark down another hallway to the elevator.

* * *

I know it's short but at least it's something. Reviews are love. Thank you all for being so patient. I don't know when I'll update again, but it'll be as soon as I can. I've got some more time this week and next, so I intend to buckle down and get writing. Thank you all again for the congrats and the understanding :)

Let me know what you think!


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

**_*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, and though my mother is a nurse practitioner, she does not work in spinal surgery. She consulted me the best she could but I had to take to youtube and medical research for the rest, and this may not be accurate at all. But for the sake of this story, please be kind. I did the best I could.*_**

**_*HUGE thanks to Erica for help with this chapter!*_**

**_*And I know there is not any Jack/Kate here but I PROMISE there will be some in the coming chapters. I have a destination for these two, we're on a journey to get there. Kate has a point in the first part of this chapter ;)*_**

* * *

Kate strode down the pediatric hallway, sure that she remembered Arizona was working this morning. She found her at the nurses' station, charting and snacking on a protein bar. Arizona looked up as Kate approached, a shake of her head and a raised eyebrow greeting her.

"I think the chief is going to write you up for your apparel these days. Cut offs, Katherine? Really?" She chided her friend, leaning against the desk. Kate made a face and shrugged.

"I'm not here to work, I'm here to talk to you. Come here…" she didn't stop her stride, simply pulled Arizona along by the arm, leading her into the storage closet, shutting the door.

"Disclaimer: do not let your imagination run wild with this. I know why Jack Shephard won't do my surgery."

"Oh that's right! You had a visitor last night!" Kate was silenced by her friend, and floored she knew about his appearance at her house. "Mark called Callie for directions. You have lots to dish on! Spill!"

"The only details I have are that his daughter died in a surgery his father performed and that's why he won't do Stella's surgery!"

"You need a personal life," Arizona muttered under her breathe with a small roll of her eyes, before continuing at normal volume, Kate's glares causing a giggle from her. "Then let Derek do it. It's just a biopsy. And not to mention, he's a renowned neurosurgeon as well. Lest you forget he's chief for a reason."

"Yeah, yeah but you're missing my point. If Jack does this surgery, it'll help him move on! It's a way for him to get past what happened!" Arizona's brow furrowed, and she held her hand up, stopping her wild friend from continuing.

"Kate, you cannot save him. Especially if he does not want to be saved. You don't even know him." Her concern was evident. She knew all about Kate and her past; they were best friends. And best friends make calls when their friends cannot.

"He cried about his daughter to me, and slept in my guest room. I know him more than you do. And he needs this. I need this. She needs this!" Arizona recognized Kate's desperation, and steadied her friend by her shoulders.

"Honey, he's not going to do it. I'm sorry. You cannot fix him. Leave him be and focus on getting Stella ready for surgery with Derek."

"But…" Kate drifted off. Arizona had a point though. And even though she wanted nothing more than to help Jack, he wasn't exactly allowing her to facilitate it either. If anything, after their conversation in the car, she ruined any chance they had at even being friends.

"I'm sorry, Kate. Go home and enjoy your day off. I'll see you on Monday." She squeezed Kate's hand as they exited to storage room. Callie rounded a corner just then, a grin spreading across her pretty face.

"Hey Kate! Come all the way over here to tell us about your night?" She began in a joking tone. Arizona shook her head to stop the conversation before it began, while Kate heaved a large sigh.

"Nothing happened. I'm going home, see you guys later." She waved to the two, making her way down the hall toward the elevator. Callie turned to watch her go, before turning back with a raised eyebrow.

"Was it something I said?"

"She's still upset Jack won't do the surgery. Apparently his daughter died in a similar surgery."

"He had a daughter? Really? Him?" His reputation around Seattle Grace didn't exactly lend him to being that type of person. "That's awful."

"Very. She's so blinded by her patients though. All she wants is to save that little girl. Can't blame her for that."

* * *

Kate poured herself a cup of coffee in the doctors' locker room, her addiction was one that lasted all day. She needed the cup for the thirty minute ride home, trying to figure out what she'd do with her day. She heard the door open and glanced up to find Dr. Mark Sloan entering, a handsome grin greeting her. She replied with a small one, looking back down to her cup, covering it with a lid.

"Good morning, Dr. Austen. I apologize again for my friend's behavior last night. He can be a bit of a handful sometimes." He slid his hands into his lab coat's pockets and approached her slowly as though she were a skittish kitten. She took a small step back and he stopped.

"No worries. He just needed to sleep it off."

"What are you doing with your day off? I'm getting ready to head out. You interested in having lunch?" Kate choked on her sip of coffee, her eyes widening to large saucers.

"I'm sorry?" She managed out in between coughs, covering her mouth and wondering if she'd heard him correctly. Did he just ask her to lunch?

"Do you want to get some lunch? With me. We could go over to Joe's, have a couple beers, get some food…" he drifted off, unable to read her expression. It wasn't one that lead him to feel very confident about his invitation.

"Umm…maybe some other time? I have a lot to do today and I really have to get back to the farm…" She looked extremely uncomfortable, and he was confused by her response.

"Sure. I'll take a rain check," the awkward tension was so thick he could have sliced through it, and he backed away from her as she scurried around him toward the door. She flashed him a smile as she pushed it open.

"Okay then. Bye!" She practically ran into the hallway, mortified and unsure of herself.

Jack watched her walk quickly down the hallway in the opposite direction of him; she hadn't seen him. He was relieved he didn't have to talk to her, after their previous conversation, he wanted to avoid her at all costs. He pushed open the door to the locker room and found Mark clad in jeans, buttoning up his shirt. He looked at his friend expectantly.

"Did you scare away your new friend?" Jack grabbed a cup of coffee and slid his free hand into this pants pocket.

"She's playing hard to get. She'll come around."

Jack laughed, shaking his head. "I'm telling you, man. She's a different breed. Leave her be."

"You talk like you know her. Just 'cause you spent the night at her house means nothing. Trust me." Mark defended himself, grabbing his jacket off the hook and sliding it on.

"I know more about her than you do." Jack grabbed his suit jacket. The thought of Mark going after Kate didn't settle well with him. It wasn't as though Mark was the most caring man he'd ever met. Ever since Addison…it had been a long time since he'd dated someone consistently. Mark didn't engage emotionally. And Kate seemed better than that. She deserved better than that in his opinion. Not that he was of any more use than Mark.

"I thought you said you weren't interested?" Mark asked suspiciously.

"I'm not." He stated.

"Want to get some lunch?" Mark jumped topics and Jack laughed.

"I need to go home first. I'll call you a little later." He waved goodbye to his friend and exited into the hallway. It wasn't that he was interested; her freckled nose and sweet smile were haunting him. He reprimanded himself quickly and headed out to his car. He needed another shower, clean clothes, and a nap. He knew he'd need his energy to meet Mark out later.

* * *

Kate encouraged the large gelding into a canter, expertly riding him around the expansive ring that settled off to the side of her property. She didn't get the chance to ride often, and it was noticeable in the way the young horse kicked up his back heels in a buck, slightly unseating her. She steadied him, reprimanding him with the nudge of her heels, settling back into her saddle. The distraction was a good one, changing the sheets in the guest bedroom had kept her mind preoccupied most of the morning. But now, seated on the powerful animal below her, she was entertained and concentrating, her mind on the task at hand—training this handful to be a well-mannered show horse.

Kate had a few people who worked for her; an older woman, Kellie, came in the mornings and evenings to feed and clean the stalls when Kate couldn't. She managed the facility for Kate, allowing Kate to do her full time job and to have the stables. A younger girl, Lauren, came three days a week and worked as many of the horses as she could, but Max was not easy to ride and Lauren wasn't overly interested in his wicked ways. She would lunge him once or twice, but Kate was the only one who rode him. As he balked at a jump, she questioned her need to hire someone to ride him for the sole purpose of not putting her body at risk. She was thankful for her jumping vest and certified helmet.

After a few good jumps, and a solid twenty stride canter with no bucking, she chose to call it quits on a good note, walking the horse on a loose rein, her mind wandering back to the impeding surgery Derek had scheduled for Monday morning for Stella. Kate silently wondered if Jack had spoken with his brother regarding the surgery; he had said he would 'make sure' Derek did it. If he was indeed making sure of it, she thanked him to herself, not sure she'd thank him to his face.

Naturally she was curious of his situation, why his wife had left him, how that would cause his father to kill himself, how Derek had managed to end up so un-scathed in the whole situation. Derek seemed so well adjusted, and Jack was so unhinged. She thought she even remembered seeing a tattoo or two on him that day he had checked her leg in the locker room. She didn't know many doctors who spent time getting inked.

Dropping her stirrups, she slid off the tall horse, lifted the reins over his head and walked him back to the barn. She questioned herself for a moment, noting that she was the only person on her large property on a rare sunny Sunday on a fall day. Who was she to wonder about someone's situation, so scarred from her own. She hadn't touched a man the way she had hugged Jack in years. She couldn't even control her need to run for the door when Mark had asked her out to lunch the previous day. What would they even had talked about, she wondered with a small laugh to herself. He was handsome, definitely. And brilliantly talented. But so not someone she saw herself with. He was quite out of her league.

Putting the cooled down horse in his stall, she headed back up to her house, in need of a drink of water and some lunch. The house was quiet when she entered, and she sighed, alone with her thoughts. As she headed up the stairs to change, she glanced at her guest room down the hall and sighed. She had appreciated company the other night, sometimes being alone was hard.

* * *

Monday morning came quickly and Kate busied herself with prepping Stella for surgery. Her parents were thrilled, a permanent smile on the little girl's face. Her counts were good, her spirits up, and Kate felt thankful for Derek. She was there to help people, and sometimes it was harder than she wanted it to be. But as she readied the girl to head to the operating room, Kate held reservations deep within her mind. Sometime didn't sit right, and her anxiety was high. She tried to reassure herself it would be fine; they were in great, very capable hands.

"How's our little fighter doing today?" Derek announced his presence into the bright pediatrics room, and Stella waved happily. "Are you ready for your surgery?" He spoke to kindly to the young child, Kate felt herself relaxing. Derek had this. He was exceptional. And his bedside manner was enviable. He gave the patient a high five.

"Yes!" She looked up at Kate, who was checking her chart, making a few notes. "Soon, I'll be fixed! Right Dr. Austen?" Derek locked eyes with Kate before she responded and she was encouraged by the kindness she saw there.

"You're on your way, that's for sure!" Kate squeezed the small child's hand as she peered up with a big smile.

"We will know more once we get in there," Derek assured her parents. "I'm confident I'll get a good sample with the placement of her tumor. We should get the results back from pathology this afternoon." Kate appreciated his honesty in this situation, and looked forward to the results. A weight would be lifted from her shoulders and that was priceless. "Miss Stella, I will see you very shortly." He winked at Stella before exiting the room to get himself prepared. Kate shared a smile with her tiny patient and excused herself to double check with Derek. She hurried after him to the elevator.

"Dr. Shephard," she started, chewing the inside of her cheek, "Please take care of her, she's small and fragile. Will you assure her again before she goes under? I know she'd really appreciate it and—"

"Dr. Austen, why don't you do it yourself?" He grinned at her as he entered the elevator and she stopped short, confused.

"I'm sorry, I can't—"

"Yes, you can," he spoke surely, nodding at her. "Scrub in and watch the surgery. She'll feel good knowing you're in there with her and I'm sure you've not seen this kind of surgery before. I'll see you upstairs in an hour." Kate's eyes grew with the smile across her face and before she could thank him he was gone, the elevator shut. She felt great relief knowing she would be in the OR the whole time with Stella. And she was very interested in how Derek would get the biopsy, she'd only seen videos of the surgery. She practically skipped back to the room, her heart soaring with excitement.

"I'll be right here, okay, sweetie? You have nothing to worry about." Kate squeezed Stella's hand as the little girl lay on her stomach in the operating room. Kate was scrubbed in and standing at Stella's head, her gloved hand wrapped in Stella's. She put her nerves to rest, explaining the procedure of anesthesia to the young girl. Stella was locked on Kate's every word, but she showed no immediate fear, her resolve settled in Kate's encouraging hands.

"Dr. Austen will be with us the whole time." Derek re-iterated as he entered the OR. Kate moved slightly as the anesthesiologist asked Stella to could down from one hundred, and she was unconscious before she hit ninety-five. Derek moved around Kate to Stella's right side, careful not to touch anything before he was ready.

"Thank you, Dr. Shephard," Kate spoke quietly with earnest. Derek met her eyes and smiled.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives, people! Let's have some fun!"

* * *

Derek sucked in his breath three hours later and immediately regretted the decision he had made to remove Stella's entire tumor. The spinal cord is such a delicate, intricate organ, and he had done an exceptional job getting into the dura and opening the spinal cord to reveal the tumor. What he hadn't counted on was the size of the tumor and how wrapped up in the nerves it really was.

Kate peered at Derek from her place a few feet away, immediately noticing his change in demeanor. He continued to work, however, his voice tone never changing as he managed to work around the spinal cord delicately. Her spine was so small, so fragile.

Kate watched the screen, taking in each tear he made in the tumor. He worked diligently, but gently, wicking away the tissue that held it in place.

Nothing would have prepared her for his next move, the scalpel slipping just a centimeter. Derek swore under his breath and immediately began trying to fix the damage he had caused. Kate remained quiet, stunned by what she had seen, as nerves were severed. She would have never guessed Derek could have caused such damage. She waited for him to repair it, waited for his next move. It only took moments for him to meet her eyes, panic within his.

"Dr. Austen, get my brother. Now!"

* * *

Kate was out of breath as she ran down the hallway of the patient rooms on the intensive care floor. All she could see in her imagination was Stella coding on the table; the one thing she had tried to prevent this whole time was putting the little girl's life at risk. Her heart was racing.

She burst into the film room where she found him starring at scans with his resident, Dr. Lexie Grey. They both turned to look at the pale brunette before them, her scrub cap tied tightly over her long curls, her My Little Pony scrubs disheveled from her run to find him, her freckles standing out like pebbles on white snow. Jack's concern was immediate; Kate looked horrified.

"Dr. Shephard, we need you in OR 3. It's an emergency."

* * *

_**Reviews are love and greatly appreciated**__**. And you're in for a big guest star in the next chapter….**_

**_Not a guest starring character, a guest starring WRITER! *drum roll please* _**


	10. Chapter 9

_***I need to say a HUGE thank you to Erica (ForeverErica) for taking the reins on this chapter, writing the most AMAZING scene, and for always helping me with this story. She hit it out of the park with her contribution and I'm so utterly grateful that her wonderful talents were able to grace this fic. Thank you, Erica. Thank you!*** _

*And thank you to Ann for her endless amounts of help as well! You know who you are, and I've appreciated every piece of your thoughts. Thank you!

*And always, to you, the readers. Thank you for reading and reviewing, it means so much!

Okay...you're really going to enjoy this chapter kids! Jears, I tell you, jears. Have tissues ready. I know I needed them!

**Chapter 9 "_The longer I run, the less that I find"_**

* * *

"_When my blood runs warm with the mulled red wine  
I miss the life that I left behind  
And when I hear the sound of the blackbird's cry  
I know I left in the nick of time" "The Longer I Run" Peter Bradley Adams_

* * *

""Dr. Shephard, we need you in OR 3. It's an emergency."

"What's wrong?" Jack was slightly perplexed at the 'we' she used; he didn't think she was a surgeon. He was taken aback slightly, though, by how cute she was with her hair hidden away in the blue scrub cap. He had never seen scrubs adorned with little cartoon horses before, but they were fitting on her, and his mind flashed back to the morning he had shared with her in her home. It would be lying to say he hadn't thought about her since then. Especially since Mark wouldn't stop mentioning his plans to take her out. It was only a matter of time before he approached her again, and that thought bothered Jack.

Her shaky voice brought him back from his far off moment. "Dr. Shephard severed Stella's spinal cord while attempting to remove her entire tumor. He needs your help fixing it."

She watched him suck in a breath, his hand immediately moving to rub his forehead. His thoughts raced for a moment; Derek was highly skilled, for him to have made that kind of mistake…He looked back at his scans for a moment. His first instinct was medical, his second was personal. Everything within him screamed to help the poor child, to prevent her from following the same fate as his daughter. But actually standing above the child's body and attempting to fix what Derek had done, the fear set in immediately and washed over him like a freezing wave of water. He turned his eyes back to Kate's pleading face.

"Dr. Austen, I'm right in the middle of a very important consultation, tell my brother I'll get down there as soon as I can," His voice was tense, and Kate could see that he wasn't resolved in his answer. He was battling inner demons, and she was well aware of what they were. But that didn't matter to her. She looked to Dr. Grey, who peered between the two, seemingly surprised at his answer.

"Dr. Shephard, you know what your brother did, _and _you know how to fix it. He needs your help." Panic boiled in her blood; that was her little patient down there! She knew he was trying not to offer his help, trying to remain cold, whether scared or simply stubborn. He brushed past her, heading in the opposite direction of the stairs, and Kate grabbed his arm with strength, stopping his getaway. He stopped, sighing, and looked down into her greenish eyes, and he could see the pain there, the desperation. The touch of her fingers wrapped around his bicep sent an involuntary shiver down his spine and he found himself lost in the panic splashing amongst the hazel flecks in her irises.

"Please, Dr. Shephard." All her need was expressed in those few words, and he gave in. He didn't want the patient to suffer; he wasn't that kind of doctor. It was just so hard for him. He didn't respond, simply nodded, heading toward the stairs. Relief washed over her and she said a silent prayer of thank, running after him.

* * *

Fully changed into navy blue scrubs, he entered the operating room through the sliding glass door, stepping up to the sink. He hit the intercom button before turning on the water with his foot to begin the process of scrubbing in. The sight of the little girl on the table caused his breath to hitch, but he took a deep breath to keep the flood of memories at bay. They were so fresh, so real. His blood ran cold at the images in his head.

"Derek, what happened?" His voice was rough, his tone curt.

"I was trying to resect the whole tumor and I severed her cord. Hurry up, I need an extra pair of hands." Derek tried to keep the panic in his voice from being detected, but Jack knew his brother. The man had made a grave mistake, possibly rendering the child paralyzed from the chest down, if not worse. She was six, she deserved more life than that. His internal resolves played tug-of-war with his feelings. Heaving a sigh, he entered the operating room.

"Was the tumor even able to be removed? I thought this was a biopsy." He glared at Kate disapprovingly as she entered behind him. He dried his hands with a sterilized blue towel, everyone staring at him. He didn't know what people knew about his situation, if anything, but in this moment, it felt like they could see into his soul. And it was terrifying.

"I made a judgment call, I didn't realize how intricate it was until I had a quarter removed. The nerves are all entangled in the damn thing. It's a mess." Jack slipped into his gown as the nurses helped him dress before he moved closer to the table, peering in to see the damage through the microscope. He pushed through his issues unwillingly; his muscles tense, his heart beating so rapidly, he was sure the whole room could hear it. He assessed what Derek had done and how they could reverse it. He ceased the flashes of his daughter beneath his sutures, closing his eyes for a brief moment, counting slowly to five with a deep breath. Kate watched the concentration overcome his eyes, the stress lines in his forehead still very evident but now determined, now less afraid.

"You should have known better." He spoke softly, angrily, at his brother as he was given instruments, sliding his hands into her thoracic spine, moving carefully around the mangle of nerve endings and tumor matter.

"Can we fight about this later?" Derek snapped, his eyes meeting his brother's, fury of their own shining though. Did he think that he wasn't ashamed? That a surgeon of his caliber needed his younger brother to save him?

Kate watched the exchange, terrified Jack would walk out, terrified Stella would be paralyzed for the rest of her life. Jack didn't respond, simply diving into the art of saving the little life before him from permanent disability. Kate felt like it was an eternity before either of them spoke again, as she stared at the screen, watching their every move magnified before her. Jack was so steady, so smooth; Derek lacked some of his brother's talent. Jack lacked many characteristics Derek had though, it seemed to her, starting with patience and a calm head. They would make a great team if they allowed whatever sibling feud they had going on to be checked at the door.

"Stop." Jack spoke soon after he had begun. Derek lifted his head, catching his brother's eyes again.

"What?" Derek was aggravated now, wanting nothing more than to remove the tumor while Jack fixed her spinal cord, and close her up.

"You can't remove this tumor. We need to repair the nerves, we need a graft and we need to let it heal. If you remove any more of that tumor you risk making it worse." He spoke steady, with conviction, and Kate could feel herself growing entranced in his talents. He was as smart in real life as he was on paper. She hadn't seen him in the OR until now.

"We're already in here, I can remove it, it's just going to take a little more time—"

"I said stop! Do you want her to be paralyzed? You'll be lucky if she's able to regain function at all." Jack went back to work as Derek stared at him, his eyes enraged.

"Jack, you know as well as I do that mistakes happen." It was a shot that Derek hadn't intended to take, the words tumbling out with anger before he could stop them. Jack's eyes shot up meet his brother's, and Kate held her breath, watching the two world-class surgeons throw their past in each other's face.

"Yes, and don't you think we've seen enough mistakes for one lifetime?" Jack's voice was low and steady, but the confidence it had carried before was lost.

"Jack, I—" immediately Derek attempted to make his comment void, but Jack had heard enough. It hadn't occurred to Derek until now the similarities in situations, and he wished he had bit his tongue. His brother hadn't deserved to lose his daughter and his wife, and though Derek had wanted him to heal, the last thing he wanted was to throw it in his face. Their father had made a grave mistake and Jack would pay for an eternity what had only taken milliseconds to happen. And Jack wasn't going to let Stella become another mistake.

"Derek." The tone was one of warning, and his brother remained silent as Jack took over the procedure entirely, the tumor remaining attached to the little girl's spinal cord where Derek hadn't been able to remove it. Jack worked quickly and quietly as Derek assisted him, his right hand for the moment.

As Jack was closing her up, he felt his heart tighten with emotion, his fears overcoming his steady composure. She was still alive, but there was still the question of the tumor, what Derek had managed to remove needed to be sent to pathology, but for the moment, as he sewed her up, she was fine. She was still breathing, her heart was still beating, and she was alive. He felt his hands tremble for a moment, a deep breath in and out helping to steady though. It seemed no one saw as he peered around, but Kate had seen it on the monitor and her heart went out to him. He had unwillingly, in hero fashion, faced his fears and saved a patient's life. Tears of relief finally prickled her eyes, and she was glad most her face was covered by the mask she wore.

When they were finished she watched him step back from the patient; he had finished the procedure himself, sewing her up entirely and covering the wound. She was impressed by his diligence. Nurses scurried to move the girl to recovery and to clean the OR, and Kate lost Jack in the midst, following Stella out of the room and down the hall. She would find the parents, and then allow Derek to explain what had happened in there. She crossed her fingers at her sides, saying a prayer that the tumor's pathology came back benign. Her gut told her that wouldn't be the case, but hoping never hurt anyone. She silently thanked Jack again, making a mental note to do so in person as soon as Stella was settled and stable.

* * *

Derek walked out of his office for the evening, dressed in his suit and tie with his peacoat covering him, completely exhausted. He felt his phone vibrate in the breast pocket of his jacket. He pulled it out to find a text message from Meredith, who had left the hospital hours ago. "_How was it?_" She asked. A damn disaster, Derek wanted to reply, but stopped short, deciding that it was better left explained in person.

He continued towards the elevators when he realized that he couldn't possibly leave, couldn't relax after this trying day, without facing his brother. He had a feeling that he hadn't gone home yet, his long hours a repetitive habit that he could never break, but maybe he had gone home, maybe today's debacle was enough to break that streak. Deciding to find him, Derek made his way back towards his office, taking a detour to check if Jack was still on call. Before he could verify, he heard someone speak to him.

"Looking for Dr. Shephard, Dr. Shephard?"

He turned and immediately recognized her, she was one of the scrub nurses that assisted in the surgery, that saw the grave mistake he'd made and watched as he refrained from going head to head with his brother right over their tiny, frail patient.

"Yes, I am. Do you know where he is?"

"He's still in there." She nodded towards the double doors that led to OR 3, Derek's eyes following. "He hasn't come out since the surgery."

He sighed, then turned to the young nurse and fixed a pleasant smile. "Thank you." He walked up to the doors, stopping short, not sure how many times he would have to apologize before Jack believed him, and with the mood his brother was in during the surgery, he's sure a million times won't even begin to be enough.

Derek spotted him standing by the surgical table, his fisted hands bracing him over it. His head was down, his eyes closed, motionless. Derek's shoes shuffling against the floor was what brought Jack out of his trance, his eyes finding the source of the disturbance and once it sank in who it was, everything about his body language changed. He moved back from the table, his shoulders taunt, his fists still clinched, his eyes hostile, brimming with heat and anger as he watched his older brother come closer, slowly, like he was approaching a wild animal and not his little brother.

Derek could feel the fury radiating off of him, even with the feet of distance between them, but he suddenly filled with the courage to just say it, no matter the explosion he was bound to respond with. He dropped his briefcase to the floor, bracing himself for the confrontation.

"I put you in an impossible position, and I—"

Before Derek could finish, he was flung back by the impact of Jack's fist meeting the curve of his jaw. He crashed into a surgical tray, utensils flying everywhere, the clank of stainless steel crashing to the tiled floor. He twisted, colliding with the surgical table, landing on his chest. It took him a minute or so to recover, the blow nearly knocking his head clean off his shoulders. He struggled to stand upright, but eventually did, turning to his pissed little brother, his lip busted, blood already dripping.

Derek righted himself, adjusting the coat on his shoulders before reaching for the blood that steadily pooled, wiping it to his fingertips to inspect. "I deserve that."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Jack asked his breathing labored, his tone exploding with anger.

Derek hung his head, his jaw still vibrating from the blow. "I was trying to save her life, Jack."

"Well, you almost killed her, Derek, so congratulations."

"I thought I could get it all and I…I overshot, okay, and I didn't have time to think about much else besides the patient. So, I had Dr. Austen run to catch you." He took a few steps forward, looking at his brother with sorrow-filled eyes. Jack locked eyes with his brother, and could see how this pulled at him, that he knew that his mistake had forced him to confront a fear that was so paralyzing, a pain that was so real, he'd sworn off working with children.

"I'm sorry, Jack." Derek's tone was pleading.

"Screw you." Jack said with all the disgust he could muster before turning his back, not before catching the glint of pain in his brother's eyes.

"'_Screw you_'," Derek repeated in a low grunt, sardonic laughter following, his temper at its peak, "nice one, Jack. Real mature."

Jack could sense the pile of sarcasm in his tone, and pounced, yelling. "What the hell do you want from me, Derek?"

"I don't know, Jack. I have no clue what I could possibly want from you!" Derek erupted in retort, the walls rumbling around them, their voices carrying into the quiet hallways around them. "I fucked up today, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Fine. I _fucked _up, big time, and I needed you to have my back, even though it reminded you of—

"I know exactly why you wanted nothing to do with that surgery, so I decided to do it myself, because I was trying to protect you, like I've done your entire life, but you know what? Enough!

"You weren't the only one who lost something that day, Jack. I lost my niece, my father and I lost _you_, and you're too wrapped up in your own pain to see anyone else's." Derek, suddenly on a roll, saying the things he wish he had years ago, wouldn't even stop to breathe between the words.

"You barely have time for anything else but your patients, and while I could attribute that to your stellar work ethic, it's really you just hiding out, scared of anything touching you ever again, because you're scared of losing it. You drown yourself in one woman after another. You've pretty much slept through the entire nursing staff, in case you haven't been counting!"

He suddenly stopped, faltering. The pain returned to his features as his voice dropped below its loud, angry register from before, now solemn and soft, weary. "Our mother hasn't seen you in over two months. _Two months_, Jack. She lost her husband of forty years, her granddaughter and, you, her baby, her favorite, act like you don't even care, switching shifts just so you don't have to bother yourself with going over to have dinner with her. Me? I might as well just be your coworker, because I for damn sure don't feel the brotherly love."

Derek brought a hand up to his face, wiping at the tears that fell from his eyes. He didn't want Jack to see them, but he already had and he immediately softened, sensing how much his brother needed to say this, if only for this moment and he needed to humble himself to hear it. "It's like you're punishing the both of us, because you can, because we're the only ones left you can take it out on."

Jack turned his back again, his hands fisted around the edge of an instrument table as he leaned into it, his head hung low. Derek could sense the defeat in his body language. He was just as tired and drained as he was, but they had to do this.

"Dad was so wracked with guilt that he drank himself to death halfway across the world and I can see the same devastation in you that I saw in him before he left, only you're not looking for resolution at the bottom of a whiskey bottle Jack, you're doing something far worse."

"Yeah, and what's that?" Jack asked defensively as he brought his head up, his shoulders flexing, his voice having lost its rage, any edge of anger he once held now gone.

"You're acting like you're okay," Derek observed, a single tear trailed down Jack's cheek at his words, "when the fact that you would let that little girl die because of what it would bring up for you means that you're not." He stepped closer to him. He wanted to reach out, to touch him, to show him that he was there, that he could lean on him, but he didn't want to be rejected, like he had for so long now. He didn't know how many more times he could act like it didn't hurt, because it had, it always had.

"You have suffered such a great loss, Jack, but we all lost something here. We're all grieving and we're all just trying to find our way. So, what do I want from you? Maybe I just want to mourn them with you, maybe I want you to finally let me."

"Maybe I just want my little brother back." Jack's head rose and turned ever so slightly, reacting to Derek's heartfelt confession. "Did you ever think of that?"

With that, Derek stumbled back, picked up his briefcase from the floor and reached to push the door open when he finally heard Jack speak.

"You don't think I tried to come back?" Jack turned, looking his brother's way. "You don't think that I wanted things to go back to how they used to be? I do. I always have."

Derek walked back over to him, watching as he began to pour his heart out. "I had a family. A wife, a child, two people that I woke up for in the morning-that fueled my life in ways that I didn't think possible. With Nyla's diagnosis, I felt helpless. All those years of school, all the degrees I have hanging in my office and I couldn't help my own daughter, so I went to the only person I thought could help, our father, _my_ hero."

"Sarah was never the same after—" Jack cleared his throat, not able to bring himself to form the words. "She wouldn't look at me, she'd barely let me touch her, for months on end. So, one day, I came home to find that she was packing her bags. She was leaving me, and never once did I fight her on it, because I wanted…_relief_ for her. Hell, I wanted it for myself.

"The grief was too much to survive, and it took everything I had just to get up in the morning. It still does.

"I lie there and I close my eyes and I see her perfect little round face, just the way it used to be and all I can think about is how I'll never see that face change. She'll never grow up, she'll never go to kindergarten, she'll never learn how to ride a bike, she'll never get married, have children of her own. She'll never have a life. I'll never see her again." Jack bowed his head, his voice trailing off, shattering into a million pieces, but he held to his tears with all he had left.

"And Dad…he died thinking that I hadn't forgiven him, and that I never would, because that's the last thing I ever said to him." Jack finally met Derek's eyes again, repeating what were the last words he ever uttered to their father with his broken heart reflected in his deep brown eyes. "_'I will never forgive you.'_"

Before Derek could react, Jack kept going, addicted to the rush of letting it all out. A weight was being lifted and he vied for the loss of pressure. "The flight to Sydney is pretty long you know. It gives you time to think, to really put things in perspective, to look and realize how things could have gone differently. As soon as the plane landed, I knew that my mind was made up. I knew that I would find him and tell him I love him, and that…I forgive him.

"You're right, Derek, like you always are. I couldn't see past my own pain. I couldn't bring myself to realize the guilt he must have been living with, the shame. I only wanted him to pay, but he was already paying wasn't he?" Derek knew the question was rhetorical, vowing to himself not to say a word, just as addicted to Jack's confessions as he was to telling someone, anyone who would listen.

Jack stared away, into the distance over Derek's shoulder. It was like he wasn't there anymore; the words he formed had magically taken him back in time and space. "I got there, and the hotel rep couldn't find him, said he hadn't been back to his room in days. Then they told me that his body was found in an alley and as I'm standing over this lifeless shell of who used to be our Dad, all I could think about was how much I wanted it all to be some sick joke, but it wasn't."

Jack's eyes trailed back to Derek's, who held back tears. "I was too late, Derek. He died without ever knowing that I was sorry, that I just wanted him to come home."

Like a sixth sense, Derek could literally feel the floor beneath Jack caving. He wouldn't be able to take much more, he realized. He wasn't strong enough to stand, not after this. He'd spent three years standing up on his own, he couldn't do it anymore.

"They're gone, Derek," Jack cried, his breaths leaving him in large hiccups, "they're gone and I can't—"

Within an instant, Derek brought Jack into his arms, holding his brother up from collapsing. Jack held onto him for dear life, weeping into his shoulder, shaking as his sobs overtook him. Derek just held him, Jack's distress causing him to let go of his cries. The expansive surgical suite was crowded by the overpowering emotions of two grown men, two brothers, two of the best neurosurgeons in the region, in the country, maybe even the world. They stood in the middle of their domain, and they were healing, finally, together.

Overhead, in the last row of the gallery, Kate sat alone, still dressed in her cartoon scrubs, watching, tears falling down her cheeks at what she just witnessed. She could hear their breathing through the speakers, the emotive swell of Derek telling his brother, "_I love you_" and amid his tears, she could hear Jack saying it back.

"_I love you too. I'm so sorry_."

If it were possible to physically feel her heart breaking in her chest, Kate was sure it was happening to her in that moment. She could barely breathe. She wasn't sure what possessed her to witness such a private moment, but she hadn't expected Derek to walk in. She was shocked by Jack's blow to his face, but she wasn't afraid of it, she felt responsible for it in a way. Derek wouldn't have been involved had she not dragged him into the situation and Jack wouldn't be reliving his pain had she not thought about nothing else but her own patient.

Unbeknownst to Jack, she had been there watching over him for awhile, checking up on Stella's post-op vitals before she went after him, discovering that he hadn't come out of the OR. She wasn't the right person to console him, not about this, not so soon after she'd forced him to do what he had very good reason to want no part of, but she couldn't leave him. She came to the conclusion that he would be on her mind tonight, probably every night thereafter, like he had been before, only this time, his pain was so exposed that her budding feelings for him would have no chance of settling.

Finally, she slinked away as she wiped the tears from her eyes, her heart completely wrecked.


End file.
